I (22M) may have cheated on the person I'm emotionally invested in (32M). Any advice on how to heal?
So for some context, I met this guy (N) back in January, and we instantly hit off. He is charismatic, fun, and a really inspiring person, he genuinely gave me the strength and motivation to better my life as a uni senior. However, he is normally very busy, as he works several jobs and is still working on a few diplomas and certificates, so we rarely see each other (once a month maybe). Because we can't see each other that often, texting is the only way we can connect with each other, but he doesn't really text that often either (Only 4-5 messages a day consisting of checking in mostly). However, every time we would see each other, we would talk and talk and talk. Initially, I was mad but over time, I accepted that it is just the reality of loving him, and I was genuinely okay with that.
The first cracks formed on the Tet holiday, we had been seeing each other for more than a month at that point. It is quite the major holiday, so he wanted to go back to his hometown to see his family and stuff. I thought because it was the holidays and he would be off work, he would text me a lot more but he actually even texted me less. I was confused, but it was fine for the most part. Tet is also very busy (think of it as a week-long Thanksgiving), so I told myself, maybe he's way too busy at home for me, and I was kinda okay with that reason. But I still told him I didn't know what he wanted with me, leaving me hanging like that was not right, he told me that he was really busy with work and school, having a bunch of gigantic purchases coming up, and an extended exam period coming up, he didn't have time for love, and if we could keep it casual. At that point, I understood, and everything stopped being tense. The thing is despite the "casual" comment, we still flirted and made plans to see each other and all that romantic stuff.
I was okay with this, I accepted the reality of loving him (not being able to see each other, limited texting). But about 2 months later, another holiday was coming up, this one is much much smaller than Tet, so I expected that he would be texting me more and trying to "make up for lost time", but no, it was the same as Tet, he texted me less than usual. Again, I was kinda okay, a little less so compared to the Tet "incident".
The final straw came a few days ago, I was feeling sentimental and texted him a longish paragraph saying I would wait for him, whether he could give me a lot or a little I would still wait for him, as long as it was him who was giving it to me, and that I would not be seeing anyone else in the meantime. That message was left on delivered for 2 days.
In those 2 days, I felt sad and frustrated, he never saw the message, and never bothered to even check if I had texted him or not. I just thought he didn't really care or want to notice me, I was devastated really. So I re-downloaded a dating app, and started hooking up with other people, as I felt my needs for connection and attention weren't being met. But afterwards, I just felt shitty and guilty instead. I even started flirting with one of my old friends who were interested in me but didn't work out because of distance.
Today, he texted me saying he was sorry, next week he would be more free, and we could be together more next week. Now I feel disgusting, and guilty. I want him back but I'm scared. I made a disgusting and shitty choice, and I can't not mention it to him, the guilt would eat me alive.
I know we never set any boundaries, but I said one thing then did another. idk I just feel shitty. Any advice?
Any extra info can be given when asked so please ask, I'm an emotional wreck right now, please help.