u/FinalGhoulGirl

Two and half years ago, I decided to go back to school with the drive to work for the government. I did a lot of soul searching and realized that I just really wanted a job that gave back to the community and have a liveable wage. I was and still am working two/three jobs just to stay a float, and I didn’t have time or money to give back to my community.

I enrolled in an MPH program, thinking it could help me get a job in the government. Last year I walked across the stage with about 20 emails in my inbox stating all the public health jobs I applied for were cancelled and another couple of emails from the state level saying that they were going to give people who have been let go on the federal level preferential treatment.

Also my partner is here legally but now is struggling to find jobs because of the ICE raids in our city, this has split our income in half.

I figured I would just continue schooling and get into a PhD program for psychology but with my MPH degree and my BA in psychology/theatre, I was not a strong candidate. I did get into their prep program, but with the big beautiful bill discontinuing the Gradplus loan, I cannot afford it. I need about 16k.

Inflations through the roof. My rent is increasing. My money isn’t stretching as much as it used too. The rich are getting richer. And all I want is to be a fucking therapist to help people feel safe and comfy, and a small house with a tortoise, and that seems like it’s never going to happen.

I am 33 years old. I can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel. That’s because I am delusional and it’s actual a closet and the door is shut.

I have a few friends and a partner. But I feel like a shadow person of who I once was or maybe I just got older?

I used to be an open book and I would trust easily. But then a few years ago, all in the same month something happened that brought back some childhood trauma that I didn’t know was locked away, my partner cheated on me at the same time, and my best friend/closest/safest person decided they no longer wanted to be friends with me.

I was a mess for the next year. Hurt. Angry. Mainly confused. I blamed myself for almost all of it.

A couple years prior to this I broke off an engagement and realized that everything I wanted I was taught to want and I didn’t even know if I truly wanted it. It led me on this journey to become a better person and I thought up until that trifecta moment I was successful.

I began second guessing myself and trying to figure out how to heal and be myself. And I tried to meet new people or let people in, and be real about what I was struggling with: the friend break up, the cheating ex, and the childhood trauma. But all it seemed was people didn’t mind hearing about it, but seeing someone work through it and make mistakes was too much.

And you see it on social media too, about not befriending the girl who doesn’t have friends or the pick me girls, or the main character syndrome.

So I kind of just gave up. And retreated to solidarity for a good 4/5 months working on myself and learning how to make good choice, and just stopped talking about the blunders that I found funny. (I found out the hard way that even though I can laugh and learn from my past mistakes there are some people who listen and judge you for your past).

And now I have a few good friends that I see once in awhile because I work a lot. I meet people at work who I can tell want to be friends with me or close with me but I just don’t push to meet them there because I feel that if I do I am just going to be judged and they will just walk away. And the friends that have cracked that part of me open, I feel anxious that when I do open up, I am either bragging, or making it all about me, or over talking or dominating the friendship.

And I want to see my friends more, but I am too afraid to reach out either because I will get rejected or my partner will get upset (which is irrational because he has never been upset this is just residual stuff from last partners).

I am going through therapy. We are talking about this. I get snippets of how my friends talk about me, I know they like me and enjoy me, and would love to see me more but I just can’t, I am stuck.

I know that this a vent and I could go to r/vent, but I just want to talk to girlies.