u/FinalCourage6767

So, it’s been 719 days since. Was always broken, pathetically broken down. I always thought it doesn’t get better. And I do have to preface that I don’t think it ever fixes but… wow, I’ve stopped and thought tonight. It’s her bday tmr, and that makes it 2 years since I can’t wish it to her. But at the same time? Holy shit I’m not doing psychotic shit to numb that feeling anymore? At least, not even 5% as much as I did…

I’ve honestly sat here for a few hours, weirdly yes, but I keep pondering tonight and really think I’m realising, even though it hurts to think about it so badly, I’m so much more healthier mentally? I know every Tom dick and harry says it gets better with time… never believed, never wanted to. But it does.

I’m not in out of emergency, I’m not smashing my face with illicit shit every week… I’m drinking now socially… not everyday anymore… I guess what I’m trying to say, to the minuscule amount that may see this. I know it’ll never fix, and I’ll always be in love with my ex. But at the same time… I’m not wanting my life to stop anymore because time helped.

I started and kept up going to study, trying to live healthier, being more attentive and lowkey selfish and not caring for others so deeply as I use to. It helps. I never thought I’d admit this and would honestly have hatred to someone who w tell me this… but wow. I shouldn’t be here anymore but I’m here and now I’ve realised I’m so much stronger than I was! It’s not because of anything cringe or “self-talk”. It’s because I just kept going? Damn.

I know tmr is gonna hurt me. I know I’ll sleep and workout and sleep again. But that’s substantially better than what I used to do… take it from me, I hate people who spoke like this to me, I hate them even to this day. But you’ll get stronger on your own. If you need others to help you do just that take it. But, it gets easier, I don’t think it ever gets better (that’s my prejudice) but it gets easier.