How can I leave my traumatic experience behind when this trauma is all I’ve ever known?
I don’t want to sound like an ungrateful child but I hate my family. I hate what they did to my personality. All my weaknesses and all my fears are their responsibility. And after that they expect me to live just like everyone else and even include them in my life. Now is the most important time of my life but I am stuck in the past, remembering all the moments when my parents disrespected me.
I am 22f (I’m not from the US), getting my degree, working and trying to have active social life. Previously was diagnosed with Mixed Anxiety-Depressive Disorder. Right now going through therapy (1 year) without medications. I don’t have a dad, had stepdad since 3. At some point we became hostile towards each other (if a child can be hostile towards grown man). I never considered him my father. Then my mother and stepdad started fighting. Heavily. Then they started punishing me. We never talked about life, they just yelled at me. Mom kept talking about divorce which still hasn’t happened. The worst part was when we moved into smaller apartment and I had absolutely no personal space. I never felt like a part of the family (I also have brother). Home was never safe. They drank alcohol, had sex in front of me and started to attack me physically. Thankfully I got help from social services of my university and moved out.
I grew up with heavily internalized guilt and feeling that I don’t belong here. I am never certain, I always doubt myself. Some people in my university consider themselves smart. They can measure their intellect and kinda assess themselves. I can’t. I struggled with finding my “comfort crowd” and self expression (still do). I don’t actually know myself. When someone says I’m nice — I believe them and I like it. But when someone says Im bad — I want to die, it becomes my reality. I have a certain narcissistic trauma that makes me want to be needed, to belong to someone. This way I feel alive. Also I have this creeping sense of being watched, probably bc my mother always pointed out what is wrong with my look. So im seeking attention but when i actually get attention i get terrified because i feel like something is always wrong with me. Now when I’m aware of this dynamic i try to control it (it’s kinda permanent so it’s not easy to). It affected all my relationships with people and especially romantic. I don’t have much experience in romance and this is the reason why I avoid it kinda. I know that it’s going to be extremely hard for me to separate my own desires from this unhealthy desire to be needed. I have unhealthy attachment and it always leads to fusion with my romantic interest. Then I lose myself and get really obsessed.
I grew up pretty independent, coping with my problems on my own. Still I got a lot of bruises on my path. I came to realization that all the things I did that I regret now were provoked by this toxic upbringing. I wish these things didn’t happen to me. I always had this “ideal” that I must pursuit. Having these mistakes in my life makes me feel like I’m rotten and defective. I know that I have a lot of therapy ahead. At moments of rest words of my mom pop up “you’re a worthless ugly bitch, you don’t deserve this”. I don’t want to believe her but it’s engraved in my mind. Her attacks always found me at the most vulnerable state. I felt paralysed. Being chronically unsafe in my own home made me anxious all the time. Recently I started having problems with breathing. It seems like I’m still the same little girl who was abused by her parents. I still feel paralysed in my actions and my choices. It’s like I shouldn’t even try to get a life that I want because in the end im worthless. I get reminded of those smells and their faces, like it’s going to haunt me forever. I’m trying every day and working on myself to escape this mess. But then I am realizing that all this time I was driven by shame. I was ashamed of my traumatic experience. I believed that I didn’t deserve love. I couldn’t even ask for love (understanding, friendship, respect). I felt like I don’t have a right to ask. Little girl with no home who only knew hits, not hugs, and desperately wanted to have a place in this world. I feel like I’m still her.
Please don’t recommend me to “get out of the victim mentality”. I am tired of hearing this. I don’t think we choose to be a victim. It’s the unwanted baggage of experienced abuse. I am actively working with therapist. Just want to hear stories of others and maybe advice on how to get rid of these intrusive thoughts..
Thank you!