Hey Reddit, I want some advice because I don’t have any friends or anyone else to ask. So I (22F) and my “bf”(23M) asked me for a break 2 months ago and I obliged on the basis that he said it would’ve lasted 6 weeks and he was grieving the loss of a family member. With that being said, the break should’ve ended 3 weeks ago, but he didn't want to have the conversation, so I brought it up.
A little context, the “break” had contact. I never reached out to him but he texted me every single day and when I didn’t respond fast enough he would send multiple messages back to back. This is the same today and so I concluded that he only wants me to stay attached to him so he does enough to keep in contact with me but he isn’t willing to do more to commit to me.
I realized that he wasn’t going to bring up the break and so one day when he contacted me I brought it up, at this point, it had ended a week prior. I asked him where he was and I told him I wanted to break up because this isn’t enough for me. And he rejected the breakup and asked me not to mention it again because that’s not the impression he was trying to give and he only wanted a little time for clarity. I told him I don’t see the sense in the relationship because he is the only one benefiting and I don’t want to live like this and he ultimately changed the subject. That was 2 weeks ago.
My intuition tells me he doesn’t want me anymore, his family also stopped liking me months ago because they thought I was from a “better” background and I admit my family isn’t the best and I don’t fit their hierarchy but I carry myself well because I don’t believe I am where I come from. So I know there is pressure there as well because they want to arrange a marriage for him.
The thing is he is my first everything so I think that is one of the reasons why I am this hurt. I also realized in this time apart that I am really insecure bcz of daddy issues that I didn’t know I had before and also because I don’t think I can get better than “him”. He was my dream guy and I am aware that is a messed-up way to think.
I finally admitted that I have daddy issues even though I didn’t realize it affected me this much subconsciously because I have an older brother by 4 years and when I was born my dad told my mom that he only wanted one child and so he rejected me and didn’t financially support me. He didn’t build a bond with me even though we lived in the same household for the first 10 years of my life and he only poured into my brother and now my brother acts the same way towards me. I do need therapy but I can’t afford it right now and so I started journaling and have started a new hobby.
My mom can’t see why I am this hurt, she thinks I should just ignore it and move on mentally but my mind doesn’t operate like that. I would much rather end things and work to heal rather than be strung along. I know I deserve better even though I don’t see it happening any time soon.
I really need some advice, what do I do from here?