I have a career that actually helps people. I try to talk to people and go out. I have cats. I clean my apartment. I try to eat healthy and work out. I read books whenever I have time.
I have lists and alarms and routines. All the things you're supposed to do when you're depressed.
This has actually been a problem when seeking therapy. They all say "well, you're functional though, what more do you want?"
And like... I don't know? More than this? Why am I tired all the time? Why am I sad all the time? Why do I go to sleep hoping I'll never wake up every night?
"Maybe you should try the opposite? See what happens when you don't have a schedule?"
I'm 40 years old. You think I haven’t tried being an unemployed alcoholic who laid around in bed all day before?
I don't know. What's the point of any of this?