I started seeing a 28 yr old man, I’m 40. We’d been talking since July but committed to a “non-labeled” situation-ship in January.
Everything has been pretty amazing. The last pull in his avoidant cycle was in December. But there are some really difficult things I’m carrying.
I noticed the other day when he was showing me something on his phone that as he was closing an app that his Snapchat screen opened and the name of several people I’ve never heard him talk about were on the screen. Later last night I got his phone and found that he’s been snapping random guys videos of himself masterbateing since… well forever. His snap memories probably have 500+ videos. But at least 50+ since we started talking last July. And although it has slowed down significantly he has still been sharing videos of himself since January when we committed to only seeing each other.
He’s closeted. We talked about Snapchat the first couple months we were seeing each other and he said that it was so superficial and that I didn’t need to worry about it. So I took him at his word.
I notice that when he’s emotionally raw or overwhelmed Snapchat seems to be a place of release and control for him. Should this be a deal breaker for me? I’m not an open relationship kind of person but I also believe it satisfies a need for him. He’s an amazing person and I hate that this is bothering me so much.
We’ve been traveling for a week. Just arrived deep in the mountains. We went to an NBA game two nights ago. I had purchased court-side tickets for the playoffs. He has been so excited. But the day of the game he got quiet. He started procrastinating and we ended up leaving the bnb at the time the game started. He said he was feeling anxious about court-side tickets because there would be cameras and someone might see us at a game. It kinda unraveled because he chose the tickets. I told him we could skip it. In fact at that point I would have preferred that. But he wanted to go in and just maybe go to the restaurant and watch the game… all in all we arrived at halftime… left with 5 minutes in the 4th quarter. I feel like parading down infront of everyone was so much more dramatic than if we’d showed up on time…. But let’s not mention how much I spent on tickets for a game we barely saw.
It’s the avoidant. And I know what I signed up for so I should just deal right?
We made our way to a cabin in the woods. It was about a 5 hr drive. After the game last night he apologized profusely for ruining the experience. I downplayed it and just brushed it off. I knew he felt bad and was just trying to regulate his nervous system. I can’t fault him for that. But the experience was still super shitty. It was my first experience at an NBA game and well. Yeah. I’m trying to be chill.
But after the game and everything he became physically distant. I had reached for his arm and he pulled away. This tells me his nervous system is so overwhelmed that he can’t handle physical touch. I understand. I can tell he’s in danger mode. The next morning I reached across the bed and he pushed my arm off of him. Still avoidant. We spent the car ride in silence. It was a beautiful drive but he only spoke maybe 10 words over 5 hours.
He made it clear that it isn’t me. But he also hasn’t discussed what it is. That’s a really hard part to have to receive all the avoidant energy and have ZERO clue what’s going on…. But in his mind I should be chill because he’s told me it’s not me.
Still feels so shitty.
We got to the bnb in the mountains and the primary suite is loaded with windows looking out at the most epic view. But it has no coverings and he’s always needed a dark room for sleeping. We looked at the other rooms and they all had full beds… we’re king bed kinda dudes. lol.
So he said “actually I’ll love this because I need to sleep alone. I’m always gonna choose my alone time”. So he took a room to himself…. I slept on the couch.
We have no major conflicts, we don’t fight, the sex is great, we travel and hike together. I mean…. The avoidant thing is the only issue.
But all of this is at the cost of my emotions and mental health. I love him.
Should I leave?