I got out of an abusive relationship 5 years ago. How do I get out mentally?
Trigger warning for sexual and mental abuse.
Im a boy and im not really a tough guy. Im pretty sensitive and feminine and always have been um and 5 years ago at 16 I got with a girl that absolutely has destroyed my emotional state. I'm in a new relationship and it feels like its causing everything to crumble. Let me explain.
I might be a bit vague here and there and honestly its nerve racking to talk about this. I hate talking about this. But I'm put of options and I'm sick of my life. I guess kinda a final plea. I'll probably delete this anyways within the hour since I usually do, but its nice to put thoughts down.
Anyways I dont wanna go into this too much, but I'm definitely more of a sensitive feminine guy. When I was 16 I got with someone who long story short. Told me all the time how I wasn't strong enough for her and every problem in the relationship was always flipped on me. Theres more to it, but on a simple level thats what it was. She broke down every standard I had. I was religious at the time and lets say she broke down some more things I wanted to save till marriage. She would tell me she wants me to be a "top" and she suggested we should switch off days. I protested this saying its not how a relationship should work. But she pressed on and i being naive followed. Shed find any excuse to force me to be her "tough guy". It was exhausting and stressful. Shed tell me small things too while we did this like "i just wish i had a guy that could act tough around me". Or i would cry alot and shed say "you have to top again tomorrow because you cried and I had to take care of you". Thats really as much as i wanna go into this. Just so you can understand maybe what i went through.
The years after i was very lost. I'd hear her voice in my head yelling at me as i dissotiated. I'd let myself get groomed by adults online since well after it sex was the only thing that made me feel any sort of "happiness" even though really just is dopamine rushes. I self destructed myself just searching for anything to find any identity of myself. No matter what it was good or bad id cling onto it like "yeah thats me" because i was so desperate to be someone again.
Years later they finally texted me after unblocking then apologizing. I told her I forgive her. I do and i wont blame her for how she acted when we were kids. But i thought her apologizing would heal something, but i feel even more lost.
But lets jump to now. I had a therapist for a bit, but they emailed me and told me to go without therapy for a while. And since then ive dealt with this on my own. The problem is ive dealt with it for so long i dont know how to let anyone in. Im horrified to be vulnerable and i constantly feel anything that happens is my fault. My partner feels like a caretaker because I cant seem to figure out how to take care of myself and i cant help but feel sad or feel things are my fault when things happen. Like some weird responsibility for everyones problems. I guess what im looking for. Is there anyone out there at all that has any experience like this? Anyone? I just need to know someone understands atleast something. Im losing my mind again after building myself back up because i built myself back up by shutting off my emotions and keeping them behind a mask. Now im just anxious inside everyday but happy on the outside and when i go to talk about my emotions its like i cant speak. I dont wanna do this anymore. How long can someone have their grip on you? If anyone has advice please help.