u/Few_Trust_3737

Long story short, we've been together 13 years. Around a year or so back when my son was approaching 2 yo, both me and my wife decided we need some downtime in evenings for ourselves to start working out, so that we get out of the daily grind of managing house. We both picked a separate sport and attended classes twice a week - let's call it a gym in my case. I haven't felt that good for many years, I got really into it and was so glad every time I got to work out. It worked really well, until I noticed a woman there. She didn't really pay attention to me, I just treated it like "well, that girl sure is pretty". At that point, I wouldn't call it a crush but months in it sure started being one. At first I thought I'm just looking for validation, that I got a bit muscular, confident, started feeling good and wanted to be desired (which I wasn't at home). I started having some conversations at home, about how our relationship is stuck and how we should work on it more and be nicer to each other etc. At that point I thought things are going in the right direction. I haven't made any move towards the woman in the gym, I just looked at her from time to time, daydreamed a bit and got on with my life, but I felt I really wanted her attention. Well, I got what I wished for. At first I dismissed it, but she increasingly started working out closer, smiling a lot at me, looking for eye contact up until she started looking at me like me and my wife looked at each other first time we've met. This situation scared me to the bone, because while I don't really have any problem being nice and smiling at random women, she wasn't random. I quit the gym (for a month), I haven't slept for a week and after that week I had really serious conversation with my wife about how I felt and how our relationship is romantically dead, that I've been looking for validation from other women (I haven't mentioned the specifics) and has been for quite some time and the kid didn't break it, but shun a spotlight on it and that we either start a revolution or I won't be able to continue it anymore. What felt the worst is that I haven't felt a thing during that conversation, I was just numb - not angry, not sad, not scared. We both tried for a bit, we finally had sex (which was rare since Covid, then improved when we started trying for child but it took 2 tries and dead bedroom followed suit again). Anyway, I thought that if we regain physical contact and passion, things will fall back into place, but they don't seem to so I've decided to go to therapy. It's not been going great and I'm not getting anywhere near a solution here - of course I know the fundamentals, I'm an immature narcissist, going through mid-life crisis, but knowing that isn't really getting me anywhere. I'm basically stuck at 3 questions: do I still love her? Was the crush the cause of my relationship's downfall or an effect? Will I fuck my son's life if I leave?

5 months from our first conversation, we had two more serious conversations, including one 2 weeks back where she said it's so unfair that every day she wakes up and wonders if this is the day I'll decide to leave, and she's right it is awful. She added that she's ready to rebuilt it step by step if needed. The worst part is that I really can't find the will to try and build it from scratch again. And this is not because of the crush, which till date I haven't spoken to or even said hi, because everything that would follow would be close to if not already emotional infidelity and even the current situation feels awful to me. What I'm trying to say is that it isn't an "option", but at the same time I am sure it is clouding my judgement even if I'm trying to be confident that it isn't.

I was not a good partner myself - not that I was abusive, non-attentive, shouting, arguing, dismissive or anything, but I feel I haven't been putting in the work and care where and how she needed that emotionally, at the same time, I haven't been feeling in any way needed or desired in the relationship for quite some time, but I dismissed that just as my father or his father did. I feel like I'm going to fuck up everyone's life if I leave (I would like to co-parent 50:50 if it came to that), but at the same time I can't find will in myself to try and rebuild it over the course of n-years if all that's left for me given my family history is 20 years of relative health tops. For the last 4 months, we have been worse than roommates. My body has been responding badly when she tries to touch me casually, we haven't really talked about much other than stuff related to our child and I find myself trying to spend time either myself or 1:1 with my kid. What makes it even more awful is that she isn't a bad person, she's never hurt me and she's the best mother my son could hope for. We just lost interest in each other, and I could go on with her not caring about what I do, what I'm into (hobbies, interests, projects) as long as I was still interested in what she was up to - but I just stopped.

tl;dr a crush (31F) has either been eating my (38M) relationship (with 39F) alive or just manifested all of its problems and I am failing to find will to rebuild regardless of the crush