Vent, Asking for Advice about Pets and Belongings
Trigger warning for emotional abuse, animal neglect, family death, and elderly neglect.
I (19F) have been estranged from my family for about four months now.
My mother used to tell me how she never wanted a child but when she found out she was pregnant with me, "I was made for her." She used to joke about how I was her "slave" and constantly relied on me for emotional support since a young age. She repeatedly told me how I was the only person in her life that she could depend on. This was made clear to me with how often she vented about everything in her life. She would sob to me constantly and eventually, I tuned it all out, which she got upset at me for.
When I didn't finish chores or acted in a way that my mother didn't find acceptable, I would be screamed at. She cussed me out, yelled "fuck you" at me in the car, and sometimes I feared she would out act physically, though she never did. During some periods of time, she went days without talking to me, then blew up and screamed at me for several hours. She was very unstable. She told me how I made her mental health worse, constantly gaslighting me and manipulating me into feeling sympathetic for her struggles.
My grandmother was even worse, but she was easier to navigate because she didn't talk with me as much. A couple of years ago, she took in a stray cat who began to develop nose cancer. His nose was eroding and I was 15-16 years old, trying to get him to a hospital. My mother did nothing and my grandmother refused to take him in. After I was finally able to take the cat to the hospital, the veterinarian told us that it was almost certain he had nasal cancer and the most humane action would be to put him down (my grandmother showing up several hours later to this meeting). My grandmother said she would euthanize him after one weekend, which then turned into several months. After many fights with her, she finally put him down. I wasn't even able to be with him since I had to take an AP test when he was euthanized, which still upsets me to this day. My family currently has two cats, who my grandmother will kick around and yell at (about a few times every month). She also overfeeds them, refusing to take one of the cats with a bump on her back to the vet and refusing to take the other cat to the dentist, even though the tooth might need to be removed.
I have met with a lawyer, who told me there is nothing I can do. I then met with an animal advocacy veterinarian, who said that the only thing I can do is file a civil dispute of property ownership. On the day I moved out, I asked my grandmother for ownership of the cats, which she refused. I don't think I could win a case for the cats, but I wish I could. I miss them everyday. Those two cats were my safe space during all of this, and I feel as if I can't keep them safe. I feel like I abandoned them. Sometimes I contemplate returning to my family so I can look after them. I'm looking for any hope that I can see them again.
Similarly, my grandfather became sick with a severe form of cancer several years ago. While my mother and grandmother were on top of most of his medical care, my grandmother constantly berated and insulted him, which I tried to defend him from. My grandfather was the closest person to me, as he raised me and loved me unconditionally. He told me how he didn't want to be left alone with my grandmother, which I didn't know how to fix. When he was nearing the end of his life, my grandmother and mother didn't want to put him on hospice. So, at 17 years old I had to plead with them, call hospice services, and research all of these things online. My mother even told me "if you believe he needs to be in hospice, then you should call them," which she later told me she had done to "empower me." He suffered needlessly at the end of his life, with my mom remarking that "this was a learning experience." I was 17 and I knew he needed hospice, I find it so absurd to call his suffering a learning experience. He begged me to die.
When I moved out, I left most of his belongings in the house because I didn't want to take it away from my mother and grandmother. It feels like one of my biggest regrets. I want more of his things. I worried it would be selfish to take more, but god I wish I had. I wish I had more of him with me.
My cat's third death anniversary in May 4th, and my grandfather's second death anniversary is May 3rd, so maybe that's why I've been thinking about all of this so much. I wish I could be with my cats and have more of my grandfather's belongings, but I know that is unattainable. I am trying to cope with that.
Thank you for reading my thoughts :)) sorry it's so long!!