u/Few-Inspector8892

im 27(f) and have struggled with ED since i was 9 years old. mostly restricting, but i’ve had a few stints with bulimia and a handful of awful binges. i’m just done, i want to just be a normal person, and not care about my body. i recently opened up to my boyfriend about my struggles- the first time i’ve ever honestly had a conversation about my ED with anyone. at first i felt relieved, like my big deep dark secret isnt a secret anymore. but now, i’m filled with so much more dread than i thought possible.

i’m scared to recover. i do not want my body to change. the idea of it makes me cry. years of calorie counting has made eating a nightmare to me, everything has a number. any time i have been in recovery, i have been so deeply uncomfortable and unhappy. i want more than anything to have healthy happy kids, live a long happy life and i know im my gut i need to recover to do that. i havent had a period in months and have lot it many times before. i know i need to recover, but my vanity is what’s keeping me stuck, which makes me an awful person.

i’m really scared to take real steps towards recovery. but im equally scared of what happens if i dont recover, and facing the reality of what this disorder has done to my body, and my brain. it’s easier to stay sick, even though staying sick is harder at least i’m used to it

im 27 (F) now and since i was 9 years old ive been struggling with body image and restrictive eating. there’s only a handful of people who i’ve talked to about my eating disorder. there’s been times when i’ve been fully recovered, but recently i’ve relapsed pretty heavy. i dont want to be like this anymore.

i feel like im living in a nightmare. i have constant food noise. though i dont count calories anymore, i’m always adding everything up in my head. when i do eat, i feel guilty when i know i shouldn’t. small snacks turn into uncontrollable binges. im hyperaware of what my body looks like. it literally never ends. even when im in recovery, every meal is a struggle.

im scared to recover and im scared of what happens if i never recover. i went off birth control recently and i havent gotten my period yet>!.!< my boyfriend keeps telling me its gonna take some time for my body to adjust, but deep down i know this is really years of restricting my body. ive always dreamed of being a mom, but my two biggest fears are not being able to have children, and not being recovered and my children “pick up” on my ed. what if i let my ED ruin my fertility? what if i do become a mom, will my child struggle with food and body image as much as i do?

and if i do recover? then i will i have to gain weight. which is what i’ve actively been working against since age 9. and in my head i KNOW there’s no problem with gaining some weight and being healthy. that my body just needs a little extra weight and that my body is the least interesting thing about me. but still, it’s the last thing i want. i just want everything to stop, the food noise, body checking, calorie counting. i want to have happy, healthy kids and have no clue what my BMI is. i just hope there’s somebody on the other side of this who can tell me that it will get better. i feel like i signed myself up for a life of heartache when i was 9 years old with no real idea of what i was getting into. EDs are an addiction and disease and i would not wish one on my worst enemy.