this is gonna be very vent-y and all over the place, it’s the middle of the night and I feel like I’m going crazy, I’m sorry
I’ve had self destructive behaviors before, I used to cut myself and I had abunch of body dysmorphia about my weight in the past and I feel like I’m relapsing, I’m 14 and 152cm and I weight around 54 kg (my weight fluctuating around 54 and 55) and I’ve never had any health issues because of it but family members are quick to make comments about my weight, my dads obese and constantly points out my weight and how I’m getting fat, my mom never really said anything except for side comments until recently. I hate this so much, I feel like when she buys me clothes she purposefully buys them in an xs to a s to humiliate me when they don’t fit whenever we have to go dress shopping and makes comments about my weight it makes me wanna curl up in a ball and die.
Recently tho, she’s been a lot more foreword about her comments, like instead of eating pasta like the rest of the family, I had the delight of eating plain chicken. And then at some point it just became her yelling at me across the house whenever I stepped into the kitchen if I’m “counting my calories”. Idk it’s insane to me, like she knows about like my past self destructive habits idk y she doesn’t really realize she might be creating a new one. So I did start counting, my friend says teens shouldn’t count calories but idk, I’ve been eating around 900cals a day for the last three weeks (sometimes more, sometimes less, never less than 600 never more than like 1300)
(note: I feel like I’m lying about the amount of calories I eat, but like, I literally track it, ik what I eat, the number is infront of me, but I still feel like I’m lying to myself even if I’m not??? Like yes all I’ve eaten today is abunch fruits and eggs but I feel like I’m lying? Idk if anyone relates to that, I do know how to track calories and read nutrition labels btw)
I’ve also started exercising, an hour walk everyday (except one day a week) plus a 20 min HIIT every other day
but I binged today when I was out with a friend and got a huge box of caramel popcorn, plus I put some granola and peanut butter on a rice cake earlier today and I didn’t track them, so I was also beating myself up about that, also just began munching granola out of the bag and it felt like I couldn’t stop and I felt like a huge pig, myself esteem was like down the whole day. Came back home today from spending the day with the friend, and I genuinely just sat infront of the toilet debating wether I should try and make myself throw up cause I was so guilty, I ended up trying and backing out last minute cus I got scared I’m so sad, I feel like a fat pig
I’m so sorry this is like, so all over the place, but idk, I just had to get this off my chest. I feel like an attention seeking loser and I’m just faking it all