A little background before the story. I’m a male CNA, with around 5 years experience, mostly critical and/or acute care. I don’t have a lot of years experience but I consider myself to be fairly skilled/knowledgeable for my position, and have had many code experiences before. Nothing would prepare me for this.
I live near a major city in Florida and was on my way to work, and the day prior had seen the aftermath of a pretty nasty accident. I remember that morning on the way to work telling myself the something like that could and will happen in front of me at some point. (Foreshadowing) I kit you not 10 minutes later I was sitting at a light waiting to pass through when I saw a big dust cloud and a semi pull off to the side of the road abruptly. As the cars started to move I first saw the scene. A car was making a left turn at the intersection and apparently the semi ran the light and completely folded in the passenger side of a little sedan. I immediately pulled over and ran to the car.
When I first got to the car a person was already on the phone w 911, and approaching the passenger side of the car I saw the front passenger eyes wide open slumped back into the seat, clearly deceased on impact. I took over the phone call doing a quick triage, passenger pulseless, drivers pulse was very thready, and the rear passenger was slightly moving and groaning. His arm looked like a literal piece of spaghetti. The situation started to hit me when I tried to do CPR on front passenger and there was literally no room, and couldn’t get the door open due to the damage. Eventually paramedics arrived and in the 5-10 minutes before arrival I’ve never felt so helpless, as there was nothing I could do. I did my best to assist on scene, and after patients moved into transport phase I gave brief statement to police and headed on my way to work.
I later found out the driver passed away at the local level one, and when I arrived to work the passenger was being worked on in the ER. My hospital at the time was small and had hardly any resources. That patient was also pronounced deceased within minutes.
I still see the passenger eyes open and lifeless, with ZERO blood leaving any visible wounds. I’ve handled many code blues in the hospital bout outside of a controlled environment I was just lost and helpless, and can’t get the ladies image out of my head and still get chills/emotional talking about it almost two years later. How can I work through this? I’ve had tough resuscitation attempts in hospital but nothing ever like this and I fell like it will stick with me forever. Is it possible for me to get closure/move on past this?