How do you make a toxic relationship less toxic when you feel like you can’t leave?
I genuinely want an honest answer. I already know this relationship is unhealthy, but I feel completely stuck and don’t know what to do anymore.
I’ve been in a relationship with my girlfriend for 5 years. She has done a lot for me and stayed by my side through my health issues, which is something I’m grateful for. But at the same time, whenever she gets the chance, she talks badly about me and my family. And when she gets angry, she becomes physically violent.
When I try to defend myself or fight back, she says I’m the one in the wrong because she’s physically smaller than me, so according to her I shouldn’t react at all.
In every argument somehow I always end up being the “bad guy.” At this point I can’t even stand intimacy with her anymore. The idea of doing anything sexual with her honestly makes me feel sick. I feel disgusted and emotionally drained, but I also feel like I can’t leave.
I also live in a country where being LGBTQ+ is heavily judged, so I can’t really talk to people around me about this situation openly.
And please don’t just say “break up” because realistically, leaving the relationship is not something I feel capable of right now. I just want honest opinions from people who might understand.
EDIT: My partner was my first relationship, so there was literally no one before her in my life. Because of that, at the beginning of the relationship I used to believe her whenever she said things like “you’re the one in the wrong” or “you’ve never been in a relationship before, so you don’t know anything, I’ll teach you.” I kept trying so hard to “fix” myself and continue the relationship. But now it’s gotten to a point where I’ve honestly given up on a lot of things.
Since my partner is also a masculine lesbian, she faces a lot of homophobic behavior in the society we live in. Because of that, I got used to constantly defending her, protecting her, and standing by her side, and over time I also developed a habit of tolerating a lot of things from her. Even when I try to put myself first, I end up feeling extremely guilty afterward.