Even if he were to change, would it even be worth it?
Does anybody else constantly go back and forth of wanting to forgive them and then just being so angry and having no hope of the relationship working again? I feel like it makes me a toxic partner because when I remember what happened I become mean and angry and don’t think before I say things. Then when things are good, we’re really happy, and I think about what happened I feel like I don’t care anymore and that I can forgive him.
He went to therapy without me asking, he read every article I sent him about PA and told me how he felt about them and what he thought. He listens to me, lets me vent to him and actually engages with the conversation rather then just yes or no. He constantly asks me how I am doing and if everything is ok. Our sex life has improved drastically, he’s constantly telling me how beautiful I am and how much he loves me, he has started inviting me on dates again. He says he will rejoin therapy once he gets insurance again, because he says he wants to and it’s needed and has helped him a lot understand what the PA stems from and how to go about not using it as an outlet. He says he hasn’t watched porn since finding out I was pregnant so about a year now. (in which I found it on his phone, he never confessed) yet I still am so unsatisfied.
I wonder if I will ever just be fully happy in the relationship again. He is doing a lot to gain my trust again, and I thought that’s what I needed to heal and trust him again and I know it takes time but it’s been a year and everytime I get angry about it, it feels like the first time I found out. I’m wondering if him doing all this work is worth it in the end? The pain and all the damage has been done, I will always remember the betrayal. So in the end do I really need him to be better? Or am I ungrateful that a person is willing to do all this for us to be happy?