At 40, I’ve gone completely numb after 22 years of exploitative relationships. Is this permanent?
For over 20 years, because I come from abusive parents, chased the dream of a stable family, but instead, I fell into a cycle of "saving" and over-providing for men. I carried every relationship financially and emotionally, giving everything and asking for nothing. I reached a point where I was giving money for men just to stay in the relationship! I took every pain, every cheating, every back stabbing, every betrayal just to not feel alone. All I dreamed of is a warm family. I get attached so quickly to guys.
Last year, I woke up one night at 3 AM, literally sobbing, screaming to God to help with the pain of being alone.
I was begging God to send me a Guy or to…
Shortly after, I met an amazing guy. Passionate, caring, successful, funny, handsome. Well I got attached so quickly of course. Few months later he told me he is married with kids!! Well I couldn’t leave immediately because I am so attached to him, he started telling me about how perfect his life with his wife!! He started bragging about their relationship!!! How spoiled she is! He was rubbing their relationship in my face every day!!! She has “EVERYTHING THAT I WANTED”
Long story short after I broke down, I blocked him everywhere.
Problem now is I literally see zero value in relationships, marriage, kids. I lost the feeling of needing a man completely, I went from a 100 to a zero. I am thinking to myself, why would I need that and why did I needed that? I see relationships as something that disgusts me. I feel completely numb to relationships. I feel absolutely nothing!!
Also, my libido is zero now!! It used to be really high the last 20 years. But I was only intimate with 2 guys because my culturer background. Am I broken? Is there anything wrong with me? What do you think?