Moving in tomorrow with my girlfriend of 1.5 years — but I’m really struggling with our sex life and need advice 26M 25F
Hey everyone,
I '26M' am moving in an apt tomorrow with my girlfriend '25F'. We’ve been together about a year and a half. I love her a lot, and outside of this issue, she’s genuinely someone I could see building a life with. We already spend basically every night together, so this is the natural next step.
But I’ve been sitting with something for a while, and now that we’re about to move in, it’s weighing on me heavily.
\*\*Background / context\*\*
I have a pretty high sex drive and historically, I’ve always had a very active sex life in relationships. My last serious relationship was over 3 years and we were still having sex 4–5 times a week consistently. My general history is also fairly high (body count is around \\\~60), and I’ve never really struggled with attraction, performance, or finding sexual compatibility with partners before.
With my current girlfriend, things started off slower. She was a virgin when we got together, and I took her virginity a few months into dating. She was actually excited about that step at the time.
After that, we tried having sex somewhat regularly, but it was painful for her almost every time. It got to the point where penetrative sex basically stopped being part of our relationship. I tried to be very patient and understanding about that because I care about her and didn’t want to push her through discomfort.
For a while, we had intimacy in other forms (mainly oral), maybe a couple times a week for a few months.
\*\*Where things are now\*\*
Over the last 3–4 months, our sex life has basically fallen off a cliff.
Now I’m lucky if there’s \*any\* sexual contact once a week, and even that is usually me initiating heavily (maybe once a week handy in the shower, haven't even seen that in 2 weeks) Most of the time she doesn’t seem interested at all unless I push for it, and I’ve honestly started to feel like I’m begging for intimacy — which is not a dynamic I feel good about in a relationship I otherwise love.
I’ve tried talking to her multiple times about it. Not aggressively, just honestly explaining that physical intimacy is important to me and that I feel the disconnect growing. Nothing really changes long-term.
She also doesn’t have insurance, so I understand she hasn’t been able to see a gyno or get checked out for the pain issues she had early on. I do genuinely believe there may be something physical going on there, but it hasn’t been addressed yet.
\*\*My internal struggle\*\*
I don’t want to cheat. I don’t want to leave her. I care about her deeply and emotionally we’re very close.
But I’m struggling in a few ways:
I have a \*\*high sex drive\*\*, and this mismatch is starting to wear on me mentally
I’ve started relying on porn way more than I ever used to — almost nightly at this point
I \*hate\* that it’s becoming a habit, but it feels like the only outlet
I’m starting to worry about \*\*porn-induced ED symptoms\*\* — weaker morning wood, less consistent arousal, and occasional difficulty staying fully hard
This is a huge shift for me because in the past I’ve always had strong libido and no performance issues at all
Now I’m honestly anxious that I’m conditioning myself into a worse sexual baseline because of how often I’m using porn as a substitute.
\*\*Where I’m stuck\*\*
We’re literally moving in tomorrow, and I’m torn between:
wanting to build a life with someone I love and am emotionally compatible with
vs. feeling like I’m walking into a long-term situation where my sexual needs are just not going to be met
I don’t want to be “that guy” who values sex over everything, but I also don’t think I can ignore this forever without resentment building.
\*\*My questions:\*\*
Is sexual incompatibility like this something that usually improves after moving in together?
How do people handle relationships where one partner has a much higher sex drive long-term?
Am I overthinking the porn/ED angle, or is that a real concern I should take seriously?
At what point does this shift from “work on it” to “we’re just not compatible”?
I really don’t want to lose her, but I also don’t want to ignore something that might quietly damage the relationship over time.
Any honest perspective would help.