Like many of us, I just need to get this out of my head and onto “paper”. Thank you for coming to my Ted Talk.
About two years ago, I discovered that my husband cheated on me. I was blindsided and devastated. I immediately filed for divorce, but ended up staying because we have little children. It has been a rough road filled with heartache, anger, resentment and sometimes happiness.
About six months ago, I met a new client at a work party. At first, I wasn’t attracted to him. He was clearly into me, but I was just not interested beyond enjoying the attention. He asked to meet for lunch. Then he started to send me flirty texts. Then he wanted to see me again. He pursued me intensely. It was intoxicating. It slowly grew from texts, to an emotional affair and quickly progressed to physical.
Prior to being cheated on, I had never even considered having an affair. In fact, I despised cheaters. I actually tried to end things with him several times because of this. The first time was in the very beginning before it became even emotional. I felt terrible about his wife, as I had so recently been on the other side of this equation. The second and third time we went a few days without talking and then resumed, unable to stay away from each other.
Part of me felt entitled to this, like I deserved it after being cheated on. I felt zero remorse or guilt when it came to my husband. Only guilt towards his wife and my children. I buried the guilt down deep, allowing myself to be spoiled by love, attention and amazing sex.
The chemistry we had was off the charts and we had so much in common. We joked about what a power couple we would be in the real world. We seemed made for each other. We could talk for hours, we laughed and laughed, and the sex was raw, emotional and so intense. He made me feel alive, sexy, like the person I was before marriage and kids suffocated parts of me that used to shine so brightly. It was euphoric until it wasn’t.
In hindsight, he loved bombed me to death and future faked. I should have seen the signs, but I didn’t want to . I was obsessed with this feeling. He told me he would raise my young children with me, we talked about where we would live, where we would travel, how we would grow old together. I believed him with my whole heart. I felt he was a gift given to me by the universe after having my world destroyed by my husband.
How could I be so foolish? I’m a grown woman with children, an education, a big career, life experience. I’m too intelligent for this. There were, of course, signs along the way. When real feelings started to develop beyond lust, he started to pull back emotionally. He would say things like “his strong emotions for me scared him” and that he was “guarding his heart, afraid to fall in love”. He said I made him want to “blow up his life” which terrified him. Then the texts became less frequent, the intensity for needing to see me slowly dissipated. It was gradual in the beginning, almost imperceptible.
My anxious attachment was activated and so was his avoidant. The push pull began. I desperately wanted it to be the way it was, but the more I pushed the more he pulled away. Then one day came the dreaded “I can’t give you what you want and deserve”. I was gutted. I can still feel my stomach drop when I read that sentence. I didn’t believe him at first. He quickly became colder and almost detached. He acted like we were casual friends. It was like an out of body experience for me.
It destroyed me. Here I was, a grown woman, laying on the bathroom floor sobbing like a love-sick twenty something. Who was I? How did I get here? It was like whip lash. One second on top of the world, the next in utter despair. I had to go full no contact as he would just drop in to “check on me” or say how much he “cared for me”. My nervous system couldn’t take it. Each time he reached out, I would reset to zero.
It feels like a death. It’s excruciating. So now, here I am, with two broken hearts. One from my husband and one from AP. The pain is almost unbearable and I wish I had never gone there in the first place. The worst part is he knew what my husband put me through and he still did it. He still broke my heart, again. That part hurts the worst. I feel tricked, used, taken advantage of, foolish, embarrassed…all the things.
Thank you for listening to me. Hopefully this story will resonate with someone else going through this unique sort of pain. Affairs are not for the faint of heart.
If you made it this far, please share your stories or words of wisdom. I’m clinging to anything at this point to just keep moving forward and push through to the other side. Good luck out there fellow travelers.