How I completely change my self image
I made some great progress while journaling today.
I am completely terrified of the future. To cope, I’ve subconsciously convinced myself over the years that I’m a lost cause who doesn’t have one. I brushed off researching colleges and couldn’t picture a life past high school graduation. I really dived in to why that is and made some discoveries. I believed that certain qualities I have don’t belong in the “real world”. The “real world” has no place for passivity, laziness, or self consciousness. I wouldn’t be accepted or able to make anything for myself; that’s what I believed anyway.
Though the more I questioned that belief, the more it fell apart. I was essentially denying myself a future because I had flaws that I decided didn’t fit in enough. I thought that I needed to change or fix myself before I could start being who I wanted to be, but what if I’m enough as I am? What if the person I am now and the person who does everything she wants to do are the same? The all or nothing mentality has never done any good for me. It doesn’t matter if I have these “unforgivable” traits forever. I can do whatever I want to do. I can be scared and still do something brave, I can be lazy and still work hard, I can be angry and still move forward, I can hate myself and still have a future. I don’t have to be perfect before I do anything. I’m allowed to be flawed and get what I want at the same time.
No clue how I’m going to apply these thoughts into action, but I’m proud that I opened this door. Hopefully some of this was at least a little bit insightful.