u/Feeling_Document_240

I spend my weeks in the same routine, not working or progressing in any meaningful way. When I stay within this self set boundary, I feel mostly ok. But the second I try and break the cycle, or make a change for the better, some part of grief kicks me down. So I continue to sit here, day in and day out, watching the things that used to matter to me erode away. Everyday I tell myself the next will be different, but it never is.

I know this isn't what she wanted for me, and its not what I want for myself. I just don't have the energy to change it yet. I'm probably "just depressed" but knowing doesn't make it easier. I actually miss when I was locked in bed crying and wracked with grief, at least then it felt like I had a reason to be doing nothing.

My partner died in December after living with leukemia for 2 years. She was only 24, we had been together for nearly 7 years. Towards the end she was admitted to palliative care after nearly dying to an acute respiratory crisis. Due to the physical and mental trauma of that experience she requested palliative sedation in the event of another attack so she could die in peace sleep rather than pained panic. Four days later she had another attack and died 6 hours later under sedation.

Honestly the whole thing weighs heavy on me. From my perspective her breathing steadied and her color returned after they put her under initially. She even "woke up" (she opened her eyes, would physically respond to her name, and tried to sit up - but you could tell she wasn't all there) when they tried to reposition her. But she still passed 6 hours later. I don't really understand how she died; and a gnawing part of me wonders if the sedation did her in rather than anything else. I often wonder if we could have had another couple of days together if she had been allowed to wake back up again.

I know what's done is done, and nothing can bring her back. I guess I'm just feeling particularly haunted by the "what ifs" tonight.

I mostly mean things like work. I started doing placement for my Masters maybe 4 weeks after her death, 2-3 days a week. In the three months since starting its just been going down hill. I've now realized I was really only there in physical form, but mental checked out most the time. This worked fine during on boarding and shadowing, but I work in health care and not being present obviously represents a real professional and moral risk now that I have patients on my case load. As such, I have not attended in any serious capacity for maybe a month now, and I dread any kind of formal responsibility or commitment.

I can't tell if I am just being lazy, stuck in my sedentary life style, depressed, or falling into old ways (I used to be a fairly un motivated person and always dreaded work to some degree). The thing is I am "ok" most days, I eat consistently, I see friends, I go to the gym regularly, I brush my teeth, and I am largely able to regulate my emotions. But the second I think about doing anything like returning to work or committing to a placement I get anxious and avoidant. Just the thought sucks the soul from me.

I can't finish my degree until I meet my minimum hours, and I cant get paid for my work until I graduate and become registered. but I also don't want to put myself in ethical or legal harm due to external pressures. I've heard that you can't wait for grief to "resolve" and at some point I may have to "want to get better" and work for it. I just don't know if I need to push myself, or if this is a sign that it is too soon.

Neither of us really believed in fate or true love or anything like that. We were simply two people that found each other physically attractive, loved each other, and shared enough values to be compatible. I think that is ultimately all "modern love" is, and that there are probably hundreds of thousands of people out there that any one person could create this type of relationship dynamic with. Not to say that when it happens it isn't special, but rather its nothing more than that.

But since her death just before Xmas, I find myself thinking about us in different ways. As if we were meant to be together, and that our separation is some sort of cosmic wrong. As if every moment of my life had intentionally led me to that random chance meeting 7 years ago. I also find it hard to balance the good parts of her with the bad. She has become this saintly persona in my mind. And with that I also find myself dwelling on all the mistakes I have made throughout our time together disproportionately to hers.

I wonder if this is a common experience, and whether it contributes or even explains some of the guilt that seems so common in grief. It definitely seems that way for me. I worry that I wasted her best years by almost tricking her to love someone that was never good enough for her. Whilst it sucks, I also find it interesting how our brains distorts the past in this way. I very much doubt I would look at our relationship in this way if we had simply broken up. It also seems counter intuitive to the concept of moving on from grief. I am often left with this one sided, unrealistic impression of her and what we had together. Does this make it harder to accept that it is now gone? Does this make it harder to believe that things will ever be that good again?