u/Fearless_swiftie

Hi. This is super new to me so please bear with me. I saw people make these posts a lot when I was searching but I can’t seem to find the information I’m looking for. So I’m making my own post, sorry.

Long story short, I’m chronically ill and buzzed my hair off last summer. It’s been growing since and is about a pixie cut. My brother is getting married in June. I’m toying with idea of getting a wig to wear for the day, and possibly after if I like it. I could wear a wig cap if need be but I can’t regulate my body temperature so I’m thinking it would be better to just buzz my hair off again. I’m very open to that. I miss my buzz cut and it would be nice to have one again to be able to feel more comfortable this summer when it gets hot again.

Anyway, so I’m looking at wigs but a little lost. I see ones that are $1000-6000 and that is way out of my price range for possibly only one day (I bet I’d wear it again but I barely leave the house so definitely not every day). Do you guys have suggestions for more affordable wigs that still look realistic? The bride arranged for me to get my hair and makeup done. Can they still do everything they would normally be able to do with a head of attached long hair? I do miss having long hair. I only buzzed it off because I don’t have the energy to wash it very often. It would be fun to have long hair again for one day. Everyone I know would know it’s a wig but I’m okay with that as long as it looks good.

I have dirty blonde, almost brown, wavy natural hair and I could just clean up the sides and neck, and have the stylist curl it for the day. But I don’t know if the stylist will know how to style pixie cut hair and it doesn’t exactly have a hairstyle. It’s just 11 months of grow-out that I get trimmed by the ears and neck every couple months. I’m thinking getting a wig and having them style that would be simpler.

TW: suicide

A thought I have all the time, some times more than others is that I don’t want to be alive. Sometimes you’re doing well pushing through the hell that is this life and then something just breaks you. I’m depressed all year round but it feels different in the warmer months. Just because it’s summer doesn’t mean the depression goes away, it just acts differently, shows up differently, feels different. But it’s there, sometimes subdued by false positivity and hope but it bubbles under the surface, waiting for that last straw. That day when nothing goes right and you can’t handle it anymore, even if they’re meaningless things that don’t really matter.

In those moments life feels like it’s not worth living and you don’t want to keep going. Through the fatigue and malaise, the inability to regulate your body temperature, sweating even when you’re cold, forcing yourself to eat when you have no appetite and never really enjoying food, the aches and pain every time your body moves, but the restlessness at the same time that tells you to do exactly the opposite of what your body is screaming at you. The brain fog that makes you feel like the dumbest person in the world and wonder about your sanity. The sounds of silverware clinking on the counter because your parents couldn’t possibly understand how it feels when every little sound makes your bones grind. And the loud ones that make you go into your room and cry. The bright lights that burn your eyes and kill your soul.

The shell of a person you have become. The yearning and missing out on life experiences everyone deserves to have. The at times crippling loneliness because you’re so isolated you never talk to anyone. A cage of your own making but you never want to see anyone or be the downer that only talks about sad things. The reminder to able bodied people of the worst fear that they can’t even comprehend. The fear of getting worse and never getting better. That this is what life holds in store for you. Laying in your bed in the dark hiding from any sensory taunting and stalking you. The only respite from the world but also your jail. From which there is no escape because it is the only place you can find peace. You used to wish for more time in bed. That you could lay in it all day long. It was your favorite place. Now it’s your own personal hell. You got exactly what you wanted. But it’s nothing like what you wanted