My mom is mad at me for saying she’s not a perfect parent
I (28f) have been struggling to understand if my mom’s behavior is toxic.
Growing up my dad is the loose cool parent that would take us for country rides and fishing trips. My mom is the strict provider parent that cooked meals and took on all the responsibilities including education and health. I have 3 brothers and I’m 3rd born. My younger brother I’ll refer to as Ben is on the spectrum.
My relationship with my mom has always been strained. I’m a daddy’s girl and a very big tom boy. I’ve always felt like I was the daughter she never wanted. In my teens my mom tried to force me to go to church, has told me it was disappointing that I questioned gods existence (I was 14), has never listened to me regarding the crap school I was in and was absent emotionally most of my life.
My brother Ben became violent from my teens to the time I moved out and has been a constant reminder of how broken our family is. So many things happened that has affected mentally physically to this day. And my two older brothers had no clue about Ben’s situation.
Present day I have been moved out for almost 8 years with my bf. I keep my life a secret but I want to have a relationship with my older brother who’s moving close to me. My older brother I’ll name Joe has been fighting with my mom about her parenting.
The call. I had been trying to text my mom several times but she’d ignore me and openly text a group of cousins about what Joe was up too since he was meeting with our cousins for a first time in years. I get a text from mom at 10pm saying “are you up?” and I picked up her call immediately thinking my dads in the hospital. She asks me “am I a horrible mom?” I said no and she explained she called Joe and that he said she was a horrible mom and that he wants to give up on her. I was confused why she called me knowing he was moving closer to me or even wth was going on? She hung up sobbing after I said she wasn’t perfect. I texted her trying to calm her down and saying maybe he was going through something and she turned it around saying that all of us kids must’ve felt the same and that she’s sorry passive aggressively. I said I love you wrote a whole essay on how there are no perfect parents but she was never a bad oneand then she started giving me the cold shoulder.
I wished her a Happy Mother’s Day a month after and she responded coldly with thank you and my name. I have been depressed for awhile cause of this she knows I’ve been struggling psychically but doesn’t seem to care. She told me not to tell my dad about the argument with my brother but why did she call me?
I don’t know what to think and I ask my bf if this is normal or if I’m a bad daughter for how I responded.
My question(s) is what anyone else would do in this kind of situation or is this considered toxic?
TLDR : My mom’s relationship has always been strained. She ignored my texts while openly texting family group chats then called me about a fight with my brother asking if she was a horrible mom then hung up after I said she wasn’t perfect. Has responded coldly since. Am I in the wrong?