I feel like I'm fading away
I don’t really know how to say this in a clear or organized way. I just need to get it out cuz keeping it inside is getting harder. For a long time now I feel like I’ve been slowly losing myself without even noticing when it started. It wasn’t something sudden, it’s more like a quiet fading over time. The things I used to love (like drawing and baking) don’t feel the same anymore even small simple things that used to make me feel something just don’t hit anymore and most days even basic stuff feels heavy, like I’m dragging myself through everything. I’m tired all the time in a way I can’t really explain it's not just physically but mentally too, like there’s this constant weight in my head and when I try to focus on anything difficult like studying it feels like my brain just SHUTS DOWN completely, like there’s a wall I can’t get past no matter how hard I try and then I just end up frustrated with myself. I also deal with constant anxiety that’s just ALWAAAYS there in the background . Sometimes chest tightness, sometimes my heart starts racing for no reason and I’ve noticed I’ve lost a lot of weight recently cuz I either forget to eat or just don’t feel hungry at all. The hardest part is this constant feeling that I’m failing at life like I’m behind everyone else and stuck somewhere I don’t belong but I don’t know how to get out of it and I hate how dependent I feel on other people even when I’m barely asking for anything. There are rare moments where I feel a bit lighter, almost like myself again but they don’t last and I always end up back in the same place. I don’t even know exactly when this started. Maybe after the pandemic, maybe because of pressure and choosing something I don’t even feel connected to but over time it just feels like I slowly stopped being who I was.
I used to write this in my phone’s notes whenever I felt like I needed to vent, and this is just a summary cuz I can't write everything