Hindsight is a gift and a curse. In some ways, it's given me momentum - it's pushed me forward with my life and away from missing my ex. But in other ways, it's an absolute gut punch. Why did I let him give me the bare minimum? He barely showed up in the ways that partners should; he was so selfish in his lack of ability to compromise. I'm mad at him for messing up my life, and I'm mad at me for giving him the license to do so.
Had to meet with my ex yesterday. The end of our relationship was...not unexpected, but abrupt and shattering. Though it was devastating, I have been using how I was treated at the end as a crutch for getting over him. Someone who truly values you would never treat you that way...You would not flourish this relationship long-term. But when I saw him, he was so emotionally vulnerable and gentle. He acknowledged his part in my pain without defensiveness. He even shared significant insights he has gained through therapy. All the things I wanted to hear months – or years – ago. He was clear that the relationship was not right for him, but acknowledged his appreciation for me as a person.
Fuck. Me.
I hate how this singular ray of sunshine illuminated my heart again. I was detaching from him, but now I can't stop thinking about him. His humor, his intelligence, the way that he smells, how gorgeous he is. Here I am missing him again, and hating myself for still wanting him. He. Doesn't. Want. You.
I despise how painful it is to not be "the one" for him. Partially, because I feel that this shift was exactly what we needed in our relationship. The ability to slow down and see the other person without defensiveness. Actively digging deeper into our own patterns in therapy. But more significantly, the rejection is the root of my pain. I would have moved mountains, walked through fire, traveled to the ends of the earth to be there for him. To be a true partner. I know that he loved me. But why, why wasn't I enough?