My confidence is gone now
I work in hospital for a couple of years. Around 4 years and when I gave research MRI a try I lost all of my confidence. It was nice but I don't do cannulation and stuff. I still do fetus imaging and some brain of newborn imaging but that's it.
I tried working in the other team which has a contrast imaging and I just suck like I don't know what they're doing and the cannula is shit I don't know how to do it anymore. Either that I don't know how to do it or I'm just shielding myself on admitting I'm not really good at all.
Been 7 years now in this field and it feels like I never really grew. I always feel like I'm the lowest of the low like they are always someone better to me.
I feel like shit, I'm not good anymore. I always told myself that I should always take the risk as I don't want to retire without experiencing it but here I am being the loser I am.
I know as an adult I shouldn't really care about whether I'm good at the field or not as it's only a job at the end of the day. It feels like I never really matured. I always blame the massive mental meltdown that I had but it feels like I always pretended that I am good in this field when I wasn't really.
Plus, I feel ashamed whenever I miss a cannula. Patient must be thinking why did I got stuck with the shittiest tech. My workmate must be thinking why did I have this loser for this shift.
I'm sorry guys, I don't meant to be toxic!