Image is sorta blurry but
Ive had this for two years its gotten very bad only twic once it popped and leaked nasty black and red goo
Second i went to an Emergency care and it was drained
Those were a year ago and two but its still there it constantly leaks and i use clorox wipes to clean
Sometimes it "goes down" in volume and feels smooths but other it feels bubbled up and leaks
Before u read please understand i dont wanna be like this and im terrified of whats happening
It all starts that i live on a rural road and enjoy smoking and hsnging out on my porch
One day i see girls on scooters ride by and dont think anything
As days go by i see them more and more but i think nothing of it
One day i hear one of the group say "Your blushing so bad" as i roll my trashcan down the road and they scream "SHE WANTS HIS NUMBER" as i walk back
After sometime the next day i see one run beyond them like shes in a hurry and as the ones on scooters arrive they scream "she has a giant crush on you" And it hit me that one of them thinks im cute and i was laughing a bit cause its just silly
But heres the problem im 21 and they look young (i dont know their age but i just assume their below 18 cause ive never seen anyone my age still ride them)
Ive never even said anything back but ive just laughed at it
This is where i get scared because i find myself on my porch in the evening and still listening as they go by because i really wanna hear what they say and it scares me ive been having constant paranoid thoughts that im a pedophile and im sick in the head
Note i feel actually asexual i dont have a strong libido or anything and i simply "do deeds" by myself just to relase the stress and nothing more
But just the thought of these things is driving me nuts to the point ive shaken
I dont understand why i cant just move on I WOULD NEVER HARM A CHILD OR ANYONE THAT WAY
But why do i find myself checking for them i dont have a social life and a part of me thinks if im not sick maybe im just lonely and wish i could have friends like this
Also i csme in today and my father asked if i was talking to them and i was immediatly distressed by the thought of it and what he meant
I really hope im just boref and stir crazy and not a. Monster i pray to God
Im not sure how to start or even where to go with this but this post may be jumbled and i hope you can bare with me
Im 21 years old and ive had a weird time this last couple of years. I left school in 10th grade to do it online and ive spent like 4 years isolated give or take because im really stupid and thought nothing bad would happen i didnt finish school i used it as an excuse to be a lazy idiot and goof off but i
Since this time i think ive done permananent damage to myself i smoked weed and it made me permanetly depersonalized like 2 years ago during that time my mother passed away and i just got lost i scrolled all day played games and just distracted myself over and over to the point i couldnt see the walls crumbling around me and my life falling apart
To give more context i grew up pretty sheltered and coddled but also a bit dysfunctional my mom was an bipolar alchohlic and my dad was a stern man who always had to deal with her issues my brother left at 10 and i was basically alone i had a few friends here and there and still do but i dont think ive had enough social grounding to be a proper person so most of it was spent with unsuprivised internet access and no purpose
Anyways recently i saw that whole singer D4vd i dont know the whole case but i saw alot of info was and how he was homeschooled and isolated and i fear i may be sick like him although I WOULD NEVER HURT ANYONE
In middle school i was the weird edgy kid who was on SSRIs and would do stupid things because i was so angry all the time i felt slighted due to my home life and feeling ostracized the worst i did was show a shock gore video to someone i felt was didnt like me
This was all a long time ago (7 yesrs or so) and IM DISGUSTED WITH WHAT I DID and who i was i had no idea i could be so vile and ive came to realise that i may be a sick monster like d4vd and maybe the social isolation did this to me
But i say all this because i wanna change i wanna make friends and become a healthy person i dont wanna be some horrible person with mental issues
Is it possible to change?? How can i take steps i recently got my drivers liscense and am gonna see about going bsck to recieve my diploma at a learning center
What are other things i could do??
(Im so sorry if my post is all over the place im very frantic and nervous)