My cousin told me he wants to marry me 2 years ago and now thoughts of him haunt me to this day.
To preface, this is not intended to be a vent or focused on the idea of marriage. I am asking for advice accompanied by details regarding my issue.
2 years ago in the summer in my home country. My (16f) cousin (18m) told me he 'loves' me and wants to marry me, over text though bc crazy stuff to say to your cousin's face.
He would text me all the time
-asking what I'm doing etc., sending romantic videos, putting my initial in his insta bio.
I never did any of this back obviously, I even told him several times that I see him as a cousin and he was like 'don't be like this', I told him I like someone (wasn't true) I've tried a ton of stuff to show I'm not interested.
but he still went on about (on call, he found my number from his mum, my aunt's phone) how he doesn't care, he's gonna come to my house in the UK and propose, he asked me what the legal age in the UK was and I said 18 and he was like okay in two years I'll propose.
I literally exclaimed like you better not??. He's threatened that he's serious and that he would even come to my maternal grandparent's house (where I stayed most of the time with my mum) right at that moment to prove it (he didn't obviously but I was still terrified he would). I know accepting his calls was stupid but I wasn't dumb enough to be on completely private calls with him as my cousin (15f) was always beside me when we would speak and it was usually on full volume and we would laugh at the things he said when muting etc.
I never took the calls seriously and whenever he'd ask if I was alone I'd always say yes, I know this doesn't make it any better i shouldn't have done it. Other times, (back to text) he's threatened if I block him he's gonna self harm and even sent me a picture of his bruised knuckles... not sure how that correlates. I blocked him a bunch of times but then my our shared cousin (18f) would text me that he has something to say so I should unblock him etc. I was naive. He's even given me a necklace and ring in person which I regret accepting, to this day I ponder what compelled me to do so (Threw away quite a while ago)
Then we had his brother (a month younger than me) who also found my number but before 18m and started messaging me (I had never spoken to him before and only knew his name... I think I knew his name?) he would talk about how it's crazy we're a month apart etc. we would message quite frequently about random stuff and something happened I forgot what it was but he told me he sees me as a cousin and I was like same! Duh! Anyways a few weeks later this blud also starts telling me he likes me and wants to marry me, and i was still like I don't... but I had kinda grown a soft spot for him and we got into a lot of message arguments and stupid stuff omg he was so immature. (so much happened on text even after I left my HC but I fear this will already be long enough so won't be discussed) he would always ask me if I like his brother back and that if I like someone enough my parents will let me marry them, in response to me saying my mum is strict so she wouldn't let me marry rn even if I wanted to, he said he wants to get married at 18-19 and if I won't marry him he'll find someone else etc. I was like please do and invite me so I can be the bridesmaid. am i funny?
Unfortunately, I've messaged him too many times and even gave him a watch as an early birthday gift the day I left (to his younger brother who then gave it to him bc he wasn't at the gathering) bc he gave me a book for mine (he gave it to our other shared cousins to give to me)... I feel so ashamed to admit how stupid I was.
Anyways so much more to be said but this is soo long already so I'll get to the point. For these two years after, 18m is always haunting the back of my mind Wallahi I don't think about him intentionally but whenever my mind wonders i just think of him. Not in the omg I'm thinking about him bc I kinda like him but literally as if he's inserting himself into my subconscious. not to be delusion but i sometimes think about what if he made dua for me to think about him?... am I being punished for my actions? but I literally never think about 16m despite having supposedly more contact with him and considering him more close and having been through so much drama with him over text. It's always 18m but I don't know why. I want to stop these thoughts it's actually ruining me, I hate it so much the thoughts come everyday and I've even considered going to a mullah to get exorcised like I'll take anything atp. btw just yesterday he requested to follow me on insta but Ofc I never accept and he's messaged me a bunch of times but I always ignore (left him unblocked bc I want him to know i'm so uninterested that I don't even care to block him anymore, like leave me alone by your own will not because you're unable to)
To conclude, I doubt he actually likes me pretty sure it's just for the passport but the thoughts are torturous and I'm so serious wallahi. I'll be doing absolutely anything and start thinking about him even though I don't want to at all and sometimes I feel like crying and hurting myself bc it's been two years! if this goes on for any longer I didn't know what I'll do. I want others perspectives on what to do and if they have similar experiences. Thank you.