u/Fantastic_Shallot836

My husband and I are high school
Sweethearts. We married young, started a family and basically been together for 20yrs. He is 37 and I’m 35 we have 4 children. 2023 was not the best year of our relationship, He was not supportive when we surprisingly got pregnant early that year and it caused a lot of stress and tension between us. I ended up having a miscarriage and again, he wasn’t supportive around my grief. We got immediately pregnant again after he witnessed that I did want that pregnancy and agreed to try. No more than two months into the new pregnancy did I find out about his secret use of porn. I have always, expressed my discomfort and boundaries with it. My heart was broken. I felt betrayed, disrespected, and felt our relationship has been a lie given how far his history of went on. It was perhaps the worst pregnancy of my life. He apologized and deleted social media on his own accord. It took me months, and some therapy after having our baby to have a better mental state, after falling into a very deep state of depression. I started to work on myself to boost my confidence and I have managed to loose some weight and improved my self confidence. He compliments me often, but I can’t help but have that thought that he’s a damn liar and a selfish guy. He can be passive aggressive, and makes it clear when he doesn’t like when I speak to him in a certain way or tone. He however can, and it upsets me, we talk, he apologizes… and I let it go. The usual cycle whenever it happens. After the discovery of his porn usage I have come to observe that he has a bad habit of starring at other women in front of me. I don’t mention anything because I don’t want to humiliate myself by acting overly sensitive or jealous but sometimes it’s very obvious that I do bring it up and he says he will stop. Today he did it again! I am exhausted feeling like the only one in the relationship who has to often communicate their feelings just to get some sort of respect. I swear I would’ve checked out of the relationship if I didn’t care for his finances due to myself being the main source of family income. He can be dramatic and mention how he would live in a small studio because he wouldn’t be able to afford much when I joke around about kicking him out of the house. I genuinely love our family outings and camping trips. I love being around him even if we are just sitting next to each other watching TV. But I’m also tired of letting things slide just for the sake of keeping things good. I’m sure I could read this whole paragraph to him and all I would get would be a simple. I am sorry or perhaps an apology written by AI. I have mentioned marriage counseling before, but he doesn’t see what it could possibly do for us besides a stranger knowing our business.