I am going to be completley transparent and I times it may come across selfish but I feel like I need to because I can't be with him or others (constructive criticism and advice is welcomed ofc)
I have been with my partner for almost 3 years now. When we first started dating he was somewhat manic but was very sociable- he had just lost his job so perhaphs he was spiralling but I loved that he was outspoken, connected with different people ect ofc there was some challenges such as him being argumentative and confrontational but I still enjoyed how full of life he seemed.
With challenges such as needing to pay rent and a debt approx £7000, he got a job he hated to make ends meet- I think this was a pivitol moment in his decline. He stopped talking with his friends, going out and being excited about life. In addition, I think there was shame doing a job he thought was a regression in his career and perhaphs because he was 33, he thought he should be earning the amount his peers were. In addition, he cant seem to get over himself being in debt despite him paying it off in increments (it will be cleared next year December via a payment plan)
I have experience with depression and low moods so I always told him that I'm here to support and no judgment however I think that this may not have been enough support- he likley needed familial kindness but doesn't speak with his mum and dad. From what I've heard, they're not the warmest or emotionally intelligent.
I completly understand that everything happening warrants or led to his mental decline- right now he has no family network to rely on, has isolated himself from social media and friends and is in a job he hates but i feel tired and cant shake the feeling this is not where i want to be anymore.
I have suggested all i can and given emotional support as much as I can- I will suggest activities to do (happy to pay aswell!) Offered to do job applications for him and edit his CV, offered to go on gym dates so he can get .ovwmnt outside of work responsibilities, ask him how is day is going ect but he is still in his depression. I want to make it clear that he is also trying- he did therapy for a bit, is taking medication and is very reflective but he can't shift from this head space.
I am feeling bored of it if im being honest. I am feel frustrated that I always bring up new things to talk about and speak about new interactions or things that I'm doing. I feel so unstimulated and I feel myself pulling away becoming unitrested and resentful as if him not being happy is detracting from what I expected from a relationship. I love him dearly and can say he is a good man- wholesome and kind; handsome and emotionally intelligent too. However, half my spirit wants to leave. I fear that I won't find someone as kind and loving and patient with me but also know that isn't something that should anchor a relationship. I feel like other people are starting to interest me and I feel terrible for the thought of that while he is battling his depression. I want to go out and be with a partner who is excited about what's next ( within the hour, day week, year). I want to feel motivated by my partner- stimulated. Im scared that as complex as i am, ill lose someone who loves me as i am but also am scared to break up and him to deteriorate or have no one.
Im so confused right now but the thought of breaking up keeps surfacing in my head weekly at this point.