I am looking for advice regarding getting divorced and spousal support in California.
My spouse and I have been married for almost 19 years, and have been together for almost 22. We don't have any children and we don't own a home. We have savings, some stocks, and retirements accounts. I helped support him through his MA and we moved around a lot while pursuing better career opportunities for him. I have always been the supplementary income earner, since I did not complete my BA and instead moved with him to another country to support his educational goals.
We have always had issues, one of them being his disordered drinking, which I have always made excuses for. And many of you can probably relate to the idea of holding onto hope that "maybe this time, it will be different". I definitely got stuck in that loop, and have ignored my unhappiness for years, too busy just surviving.
A few years ago, he was arrested and charged with possession of CSAM. I know I should have left him then, but I didn't. I still held onto the hope it was a mistake. Once he was convicted, his work found out and he was fired from his high paying job. He was on probation for two years with court ordered therapy, but unable to secure employment due to his inability to pass a background check. He is a felon and a lifetime RSO.
Around the same time he was fired, I had secured a job that could pay our bills (for the first time in almost 20 years). It is also the first time I would be able to afford living on my own since before we got married, since I always put his career and money earning potential before mine.
At this point, he cannot find work (the economy doesn't help) but he also doesn't bring anything to our relationship. He does some chores and cares for our dog. Things I could manage on my own. When he is not doing that, he is gaming, sleeping, and doing fuckall. I am miserable and feel trapped with someone who has ruined my life and become a burden. We have practically no relationship and haven't been intimate in over 3 years (my choice for somewhat obvious reasons). I wanted things to work out, but I don't want to live my life this way. He cannot change who he is deep down and he is sucking the life out of me because we can never have the happy life I was hoping for... and in reality we never did because he was essentially lying to me all these years. I am a victim of childhood SA, so this makes it even more ironic and fucked up. The universe is laughing at me.
I think that is enough background so you can understand my dilemma. I want to divorce and do a 50/50 split since we are in California. But I am afraid I will have to pay alimony. I don't see why I should, seeing his earning potential has always been twice mine and only recently have I started making enough to support us (which was VERY lucky timing). That and his inability to work is ENTIRELY his fault. He threw it all away. A supportive spouse, a great career, and not many demands from me since I did practically all the domestic work. Had I divorced him when everything happened, he would probably have to pay ME alimony.
What are the odds that I will be ordered to support him? I live in a very expensive area and cannot pay twice the rent/utilities etc. I fear he will end up homeless, but also that would be the consequences of his own actions. I don't think I should have to support him the rest of my life. I would like to move back home closer to family and friends, but I really want to keep my job since it is the best career opportunity I have had in 20 years. I just want to be happy and not care for someone who broke me to pieces.
Please be kind. I don't need anyone saying "you should have left sooner" or "why are you still with him". I know I've been stuck in a codependency trap for decades. It is complicated and I am working on it. Thank you for any advice.