u/Fantastic_Dream4965

After a lot of negative experiences with religion and just a lot of bad events of life in general, when I was a teenager, (13-14), I grew a deep resentment for Islam. It was only recently that I've come back to it, finding solace. But I've yet to become fully constant with praying. Which is scary and sad.

It's one of the most mandatory obligations, and I just can't. I hate it. I don't know why I hate it, but I do. I get impatient. I get burnt out. If I pray 2 prayers, I will skip the rest of the week. Even if I manage to pray the daytime ones, God I HATE fajr prayers. I hate doing wudu. I hope Allah forgives me but I am so frustrated with myself and no matter how hard I try, I can't get to terms with it. Having to follow the same set of movements and recite the same words over and over again? I can't even sit still for a second, how am I supposed to stand still for like 5 minutes? I ignore praying INTENTIONALLY atp. I could have my wudu and still not pray. I will LIE to my parents that I've prayed. I will wake up fajr, move around for 5 seconds to show my parents that I'm awake, then go back to sleep. It's a cycle I can't break.

I struggle with routines. I hate having to do the same thing over and over again for days. I have never gone to school the full week in my life. I have never been able to stuck to a routine. I'm a regular class skipper for the feel of it. Despite consequences, I can't help it. If I don't feel it, I can't make myself do it. I hate office jobs. I have never been consistent with anything in my life.

So the idea, that I have to pray EVERYDAY. Everyday. 5 TIMES. EVERYDAY. Until im dead?? Everytime I even think of it, I start feeling restless. I HATE routines.

It's sad because when I was a kid, I used to love praying. It'd shock me when I saw someone not pray. Because it's one thing both Allah and the prophet emphasized sm on, how could you be a Muslim and not do it?

The irony of me becoming that exact person.

Everyday I wake up and I am so absolutely grateful that I was born in a comparatively less conservative family because man, I would've already been under some dude's name.

Recently, child marriage and polygamy has been going on trend. Certain group of people have been promoting it publicly and shamelessly, making it sound like it's almost fard. Like if you choose not to marry or marry later, or put your career first or want to pursue more education or basically just do anything other than do what they put as "womanly duties" you're a k*fir, you're a mun*fiq, you're a shame to the name Muslim, you're a wh**e, you're selfish, you're irresponsible and the list goes so much longer than I wish to speak. I'm so absolutely tired of it.

Ever since I've turned an adult, I've literally been on the edge. I'm scared to meet any of my parents friends or my distant relatives who are less educated. They all eye me like I'm a piece of candy. It's like they were waiting, cause they knew that my parents are too educated to marry off a minor, but now that I'm of age, I'm finally on the display. A few weeks ago I went to an event of my mom's friend, it was basically filled with uneducated conservative extremist women. First they gave me dirty looks cause I wasn't wearing a niqab. Then they pretended like I committed blasphemy when they heard that I'm attending a co-ed school and have plans to attend uni. Then, IN FRONT OF ME, they go and tell my mom "so your daughters getting really old, have you been looking?" !!??? "You know all that education isn't necessary for a girl, hurry and get her married. Girls astay when they get freedom." IN THE BIG AGE OF 2026? I HAVE TO HEAR THIS IN 2026? The irony is, my own mother has studied in one of the TOP school and university of our country and studied in freaking BIOCHEM and did masters.

My parents haven't yet been talking about it, I think they'll let me get into a uni first, but I just KNOW there isn't much long. Max 1-2 years. They've already been hinting at it. It grosses me out. It's not even like I don't wanna get married, but it's their eagerness, it's their insistence, it's the way they don't see any value in me as a person that absolutely GROSSES me out. The more I face things like this, the more I don't want to. Also their idea if marriage itself is unappealing. A guy gets to do whatever they want and wife should shut up and submit. They're the type to even justify domestic abuse with "the wife probably wasn't compromising enough". Oh and divorce is always a woman's fault apparently, cause she didn't try hard enough.

I do NOT want these people to be in charge of finding me a life partner, thanks.

A few days ago, we got into an argument and at one point I said "Marriage isn't even that important. It'll happen when it happen." And she was absolutely LIVID like I said the most outrageous thing ever and went on a 2 hour rant about how society is deteriorating because girls don't have their priorities right. I'm not even anti-marriage. I'm not even pro late-marriage, (not that it's wrong), I just want a few years of peace in university, a few years where I get to be a person of my own, instead of going one ownership to another because that's clearly what they want. I want ME to be able to choose my own time, instead of being nagged into it. Despite LITERALLY being the most perfect, obedient person ever, they still think I'll turn into a wh**e the moment I get freedom. Real trust here. Again, I'm not even a person to them.

I'm angry. I need a damn minute where I don't have to think about it. And I know people will tell me it's a long way ahead, but it really isn't. I close my eyes and I genuinely dread what's to come. They know they can't force me to marriage cause it's haram, but they will max out every shred of emotional blackmailing, gaslighting and manipulating they can and I know I will end up saying yes because i know my parents and I'd do anything for peace. I refuse to go to a war with them, even if it means sacrificing my life.

I'm actually growing resentment towards the entire concept of marriage now and it's sad. All I can think about is how much stress they'll give me over it. And I don't even have a choice, because if they threaten to stop providing me there's nothing I can do. Being independent as a girl in this country is literally impossible.

Why do I have zero autonomy over myself?

This might be embarrassing, bear with me.

I'm 19F, literally zero experience with a guy. I've never had a boyfriend, never even touched a guy. It's not that I lack attraction, it was voluntary, I wanted to focus on school more.

I've attempted mastrubation a couple times in my life. Read literal articles about it. It never worked out. Sometimes I fantasize, then get horny, but I never seem to get wet enough? And even if there is wetness (barely) it seems to dry up as soon as I attempt stimuli. It's not like I don't feel anything when I touch my clitoris, but it's not... necessarily pleasant as it's described. It feels like any other body part, maybe a tad bit more sensitive. I can barely ever penetrate one finger, it doesn't hurt necessarily, but there's discomfort. Max I've done is two. Tried every method ever. Was told penetration didn't work for many so I gave up on that lol. And even the few times it remotely felt good, it was over as soon as it started. Touching myself is just not that exciting. My concern is...is it a physical issue? Is it a down there issue or is it just me issue? Would it be different if there was a partner and it was someone else's hand?

But sometimes, I'd wake up to these weird pulsations and they feel, *extremely* good. Usually after really good dreams and most of the times I'm half asleep to even comprehend what's going on. I've always wondered if those were a sort of orgasm? Also the closest to mastrubation I've ever gotten was during one of these half asleep episodes and when I've barely consciously put a finger in and it actually felt really good. It actually lasted for like a good 2 minutes but then it felt like it wasn't going anywhere so I gave up and went to sleep lol.

And I know people would tell me to be just "patient" and to not "rush" it and I promise you, I am. It's not that big of a deal with me. I attempt it like every once in a blue moon. When it doesn't work, that's that, I don't sulk over it. But I do get horny sometimes lol and it'd be nice to get myself off during those times so that I could focus instead of walking around like an animal in heat. And yes, I did explore my body, in a lot of sort of ways and no, I didn't particularly like anything. I always feel it more in my fingers than the place I'm actually touching.

I've never tried toys of any kind by the way. They ick me out kind of. I've also heard that they can kind of deem the sensations of your clit (?) or smth, and my clitoris already barely responds I don't want to numb it down more. Even aside, toys are last resort. I really wish the traditional way would work.

When mastrubation doesn't work, I'm not necessarily disappointed because I couldn't feel good, but it just worries me like I'm missing out on something or if my body is just unable to be sexually pleasured that way. I fantasize a great lot and it's just a little sad that I never get to get an actual feeling of how it felt. I also wonder if I over romanticize it and will be disappointed when it truly does happen. Also I'm really really looking forward to sex life when I have a partner and it would be extremely disappointing to only find out then that I'm incapable of it.

Sorry for the rant. Thanks!