Feels weird writing here every now and then and I’m kinda embarrassed that I haven’t left up to this point. So, let’s get over with the details I’m 20 a uni student, part time nanny and part time dancer. He is 25 still in active search for job (he was employed when we met but part time, but unemployed since February). We’ve been together for approximately 11 months and that was a hell of a ride. I won‘t get into what happened befpre, however there are some posts from the previous months.
We got into a fight because he was sending me flirty messages and I wouldn’t play along. Truth be told I don’t always flirt back or play along and sometimes im not even that excited for sex which bothers him. Im not asexual or hate him but it’s just that for me (important detail he’s my first relationship etc) sex isnt that importan. I enjoy it but I’m not “hungry” for it. Yes I told him about it but he thinks something is wrong with him so eventually I stopped bringing it up. We fought yesterday and I apologised. Today I was more warm towards him and more playful. The results? He said I’m acting fake. Like come on you literally told me what’s bothering you and I try to fix it so then you complain that I’ve fixed it? His point was why haven’t I changed that earlier, well take a lucky guess. So he is still mad at me and won’t talk to me. Oh and he would not stop swearing at me and would say that “I’m provoking him talk to me like that” . Even though I said countless times that I don’t like him swearing at me when he’s angry.
Now I want to discuss 2 more things.
We were at his house and laying on his couch watching Netflix then he started touching me etc, everything okay I’m fine. Then he gets on top of me and wants to get intimate. I say no. He ignores me. Again I say no. I lost count how many times I said no but at this point he was you know. He said “But I want to and you want too” then he stopped, I guess he finally understood that whats happening isn’t normal. He hugged me kissed me and said sorry I got carried away. After not getting what he wanted he literally closed his eyes and was about to sleep. I told him that bothered me so much and he said “Youre acting like I did it without your consent”. I started crying and he hugged me saying that he‘s sorry. There wasn’t really the actual act but he got maybe 2 minute?
And finally, I found messages on his phone while he was showering. When he got out and was showing me something on his phone I asked who sent you a message because it showed two new messages and he snatched his phone. Started screaming about trust etc and wouldn’t give it to me. I let him be and went to the bathroom to shower, when I got out he showed me everything except he deleted the chats. I would have believed him if I haven’t seen them before. Although I didn’t admit to snooping in his phone so he made me look crazy. Since then he’s been bringing that up and saying how crazy jealous I am. Which is crazy when I literally saw it with my eyes and even if the messages were not cheating why would he act like that and then delete them?
I know I’m stupid for staying with him after those and even stupider considering the fact he did similar things the whole relationship. The solution to that nonsense is breaking up with him but I’m scared and I can’t. There’re so many red flags I missed and I just don’t know how to get out of all that. There are times he’s so sweet and loving and makes me hope that there’s someone here who cares and loves the real me but then something happens. Please don’t be mean in the comments I know I have to leave and he is harmful at this point but I don’t know how.