u/Fantastic-Bass3486

Hi all, just needing to vent. As the title suggests, my diagnosis of bipolar 1 got “upgraded” to something spicier. Yay me! (Not.) Anyway, the antipsychotics have been giving me a vicious appetite, and I’m experiencing huuuuuge negative symptoms. Like, all I do is work and lay in bed. It’s depressing. My antidepressants HELP but they don’t really fix this. Anhedonia, avolition and executive dysfunction are super bad right now. So… I was reading that nicotine affected these negative symptoms and cognitive deficits associated with both bipolar and schizophrenia-spectrum conditions, and well… I caved. I’m not advocating for its use. Just saying I’m desperate for relief and now I feel terrible about myself. I don’t want an addiction. Yet I feel like this condition naturally facilitates that. Am I imagining it? I mean, when it comes to resisting something like nicotine I feel like the cards are stacked against me neurochemically. I still have the vape. Throwing my last one away backfired - I just ended up buying another when I had a mini episode last night. So now I don’t know what to do. Thoughts?

Sometimes it’s hard for me to accept that I have this disorder. I am the bipolar subtype. I got “upgraded” (lol) to this from bipolar 1. I am high functioning and always have been, so it’s very easy for me to rationalize away the signs of my illness. I feel very blessed to be where I am, but sometimes it’s hard. I almost took up vaping recently and had hundreds of dollars worth of disposables in my online cart before someone caring stopped me. It would have been a new addiction. I seem to struggle with those patterns, whether it’s with shopping, or taking edibles, or wanting something like nicotine. It’s like my dopamine is super messed up. I guess I just came here to ramble. I’m doing well, all things considered, but the anosognosia creeps in and tells me I’m not schizoaffective at all. It tells me the voices aren’t a big deal, it’s just me “thinking in conversation” (as I saw on the SchizoKitzo YouTube channel, and related to quite a lot.) It’s just a voice, not a big deal. Just me seeing things, not a big deal. Just me being constantly paranoid, not a big deal. It’s like… a constant battle and challenge to remain fully aware of my condition. Anyone else?