Hi all…so things happened yesterday and I’m past my tolerance limit (which I’ve extended multiple times). We are in our mid 30s (throwaway account for obvious reasons) have two kids…I’m a SAHM mum to two very high need children (first going to be assessed for autism) a 3.5 year old and a 1 year old.
The “issue” precedes our children, so although their presence may have worsened the sexless situation (how did we have them, lol!), they are most certainly NOT the reason. In fact…we have known each other for over 10 years, we were flatmates in a student home before and I even know his ex-gf. He told me after our first talks about the lack of sex that this was an issue he had with her as well…so it’s not a “ME” problem either. At the time, he was happy to just study all the time and it’s like he hyper focuses and sex goes out the window.
Now, I’ve always had a fairly high libido. I feel like things always got going because of me…I’ve never watched porn nor did I need anything other than being in an intimate relationship (cannot engage sexually for hookups or people I don’t have an emotional relationship with). With my husband, it felt weird to me that his desire for sex would literally come out of NOWHERE that felt in any way that I was arousing him. I’ve mentioned this to him. It’s not about being vain, it’s about feeling desired, chosen, acknowledged.
He assures me it has nothing to do with me being unattractive and he can’t explain to me what is going on. He has no time for an affair because he is either working from home or very little in the office. He does work a lot and IS a workaholic, and I concede he is stressed and has gained weight, etc, which has not affected me at all, but he now uses this as an excuse - and I say this because again, the sexual issues precede this, too. He has said he feels he may be asexual..but still used to watch porn and jerk off multiple times a day when he was younger.
I literally do not get it.
We have had multiple conversations about how much this hurts me, and every time he will come within the next three days and initiate intimacy and I would fall for it like a starved kid would eat rotten food out of hunger. Three weeks ago I initiated again despite having sworn to myself I wouldn’t anymore because it is simply too painful to be rejected again..and he pretended not to notice and then go to work in the evening again. I came out of the room and was angry with him. I told him I no longer initiate, will not anymore and even if he does, it won’t happen because he feeds me breadcrumbs after the talk and then forgets about it again for 4+ months, I guess until the next talk. He keeps saying he doesn’t know what’s wrong with him and has indirectly said that he wouldn’t even jerk off…
Well lo and behold…yesterday morning I had to wale him up because his alarm was ringing and he wasn’t getting up and was going to wake the kids if it kept going.
So I stayed in bed and then decided I’d get up to the toilet (I didn’t know whether he was home still or not), I saw the light was on so I knocked and then entered. And it was 100% clear he had been jerking off in the shower. He was visibly disturbed and “caught in the act”. He hid behind his towel and proceeded to listen to me talk about my belly pain as I sat on the toilet. Then finally considered it was safe to move his towel but I could see his penis was still erect so I said “well, hello” as in greeting it. He asked what as if he didn’t know what I was talking about. I couldn’t anymore so I just stared out in the void deciding what to do or say…I don’t want to start the day lile this..I don’t want to start the day with a fight, it will lead nowhere, I know jerking off is not the same as sex, but come on man! I’m starved pf sex now since 5 months, you say you feel any sexual desire but are secretly directing any sexual activity on your on instead of directing any of it at me.
So I said I’d go back to bed and just left.
Then he texted me very nicely as if nothing had happened (he hadn’t been texting in the mornings for days) - obviously guilty conscience. When he came home at lunch and I gave him the cold shoulder he forced me to talk pretending he doesn’t know what could have possibly happened that I’m pissed off. Then he kept asking what happened and forcing me to talk. Then I did. Then he swore he wasn’t jerking off and that even if he had been that shouldn’t be a problem to me.
I told him he is lying, I know what I saw and how he acted afterwards (he even cooked lunch unasked, which he NEVER does…if that’s not a guilty man, then I don’t know). I told him I am sick of his lies and disrespect and now even insulting my intelligence and reverting and deflecting and even gaslighting me. He called me a crazy bitch, and left muttering that there’s always something.
I told him that I can’t even watch a regular show on tv where people love each other and are affectionate because it HURTS me. He said this was not his problem/fault.
He then proceeded to text that he is angry I don’t believe him and again even if…tried to put it on “morning wood”, yeah, right? After the shower?
Sorry for the long rant but can anyone explain from a male perspective? Has anyone been in this situation?
For reference…I look like what would typically be considered “hot”. His ex gf was also very pretty. In fact..I wonder whether he is a narcissist and just likes to have beautiful looking women at his side to stroke his ego, but not be in a real intimate relationship.