u/Fancy-Purpose-

Before commenting - please realize this is a vulnerable post.

Cole’s note version - my bedroom and connection with my partner has really been not the best for the past 3 years. Context - we have small kids and covid lock down and a bout of depression 2 years ago for him. Before that - well I lived a very blessed married life. We traveled the world and were considered “couple goals”. Past few years I realized more and more that we were great parents but not good romantic partners to each other. We are older Millennials.

2 years ago was one of the darkest year of my life as his depression caused stone walling. I was literally shut out - in every way possible. He recently apologized for it and said it was his fault but that hurt didn’t disappear. I fought through it for our marriage and kids. Fast forward to 2025 and something clicked - you either waist away trying to save it or pour that energy into yourself for your kids and for myself.

I started working out, dressing well and found a way to get dopamine hits. By this I mean music - audio books and even audio erotica. Boom - I was the “hot” version of myself again and my libido was awakened. Truly I made myself happy and began to just glow. We started being physical again but all by my initiation. I would hear and read about yearning all the damn time from my books and I had some insanely intense romantic relationships when I was younger. I guess I was used to living life to the fullest. I’m very loyal and really give my all to anything that I have my heart set on. A part of me kept saying - it’s ok, you hit so many milestones and reached so many goals. The rest of your life is about the kids and IT IS but what the hell is this sadness that keeps bubbling up.

I retuned to the work force and threw myself in at 200% but now I’m feeling burn out a bit. My working hours are intense but such is the nature of the industry I’m in. It gave me happiness but slowly the sad and loneliness is kicking in. I am vey grateful for my amazing friends and family but romantically there is this bubble of hurt that keeps bubbling up.

Communicate - I constantly do and been so open about what I’m lacking. I get yeah absolutely and soon in the same circle. Believe me - I think a therapist would say but did you try? Answer will be most likely yes.

I am approaching 10 years of marriage and when I think to say it. It feels like the last few years are a fraud. I want to cry even typing that. We have small kids who adore us / divorce is not an option anyone wants. The painful truth - I started speaking to someone as a friend and could see myself hurling down a hill in attraction and god knows, catching feelings. We no longer talk - but I miss their friendship way more than I should.

It seems all the things that gave me that high no longer apply. I have read comments in here and even if they have a stagnant bedroom - their relationship status at least holds to be strong.

So my question is this. What the hell do I do? From the outside - you wouldn’t suspect a thing is wrong. Everyone shows up and kids are happy. Deep down I’m fighting a serious sadness that’s getting harder and harder to ignore. More than anything a connection or attraction I am starting not to feel (which makes me want to weep)

Would love advice if anyone has been in this position before.

I have come back to Reddit after being off for a while and came across this thread and just read. No judgement- just read. I also wrote in this group a few months as the wife that was feeling very love starved and utterly ignored. To give a Coles note version - after a few years of being rejected or stone walled (due a depressive episode his side) I was feeling drained trying to fix everything. I took that energy and put it in me. Now I am reading and writing from the opposite side of the spectrum and where my focus is completely elsewhere now and very honestly in work mood. My industry is demanding hours but I like it. I returned to work after being fractional and almost a house wife. I’m so burnt out some days but content that sex that was a focus point is out the door. Also not good. There are running themes I see in most (not all).

1. Many people are in the midst of having small children (put me in that group)
2. Many seem to millennials- elder millennials point where the relationship is at 7 to 10. Once again - please note I am not saying all but a lot of the thread I come across
3. Everyone wants to feel loved and desired- this is a major theme here. People are feeling ignored or dead bedroom but outside of sex - it’s mental calm or stress
4. It’s a serotonin hit - god knows as human we all need that. You walk different - you just present in another manner when you feel confident and loved/desired.

Needless to say we all can work on ourselves and if you are feeling utterly ignored (male or female) put that energy into you a bit. I am not here to say I am fixed - far from it lol. My relationship is lacking a lot. I’m just saying if you feel like you are drowning, throw the lifeline to yourself if nothing is working.

My serotonin hits - I started to work out, listen to music and also sexually reawakened with audio erotica and erotica books. It brought back imagination which worked for me. I mean honeslty right now my focus is all work but it worked for a while. Not affiliated in anyway but ladies - Quinn. Thank me later lol. Men feel free to send her a voice note of yourself doing push ups and saying her name lol 😂

Gentleman - flirt with your partner. Go back to those bachelor days and approach her like she’s brand new. Take her back to her feminine state from her guard up. this is personality my biggest issue in my own relationship. I don’t feel desired or relaxed enough to be in my feminine era. I am very communicative about it but we see. I have some healing to do myself from the past few years. I get hit on a lot now (which is funny in itself) so why does my own husband treat me like - MEH 😑.

Now after all that. Would love to hear if anyone has been able to rekindle their spark with their partner? I have been really struggling with this. Also HOW!? No dm from strangers please - only replies here.

I wrote in this sub a few months ago. Short version- I was love starved and exhausted from being the person to try to save us after a hard 3 years of marriage. I had a relatively happy marriage for about 7 years but the intimacy started to become less and less to the point we could go months without it. Covid lockdown and small kids - changed me and us. He struggled with a bout of depression and is now recovered and I had totally lost myself with two small kids. I unfortunately experienced dark moments of being stone walled while he was depressed. We used to be like best friends and laughed a-lot and were considered “couple goals” by others. Im starting to realize the sexual attraction was dying off slowly even though as parents we were great. After the depression episode, things improved slowly but I was never able to communicate like I could before with him. I would go out of my way to talk, communicate but sometimes it feels like talking to a wall. The past few years was rejection filled. I hit my brink all while the Instagram perfect family photos were being posted live on story feeds.

Fast forward to the past year where I took all the energy I put into saving us into me. I breathed life into myself -which in turn made me interested in sex again. I am the version of myself that I thought I had lost forever. In my recovery/ I tried to initiate sex and was shut down. As a woman that one hurt and I flirted to get no reaction, So I started to choose distraction of things that gave me a serotonin hit. Music / smutty books / audio erotica and gym rat -I gave myself that happy high. Not to be vain but I notice that I’m turning heads again and in particular from younger men. All flattering but doesn’t change issue at hand.

We eventually got physical again and he recently apologized for things that went down the past few years. Yet our interaction is still empty. There is no kissing, hug or flirty anything. We eventually got physical again but as ready as I was to have sex - I can’t seem to connect fully. I’m excited to have sex but I’m not into it with him. Truth be told I can’t orgasim but i know i could if using my imagination.

I feel horrible but I am not sexually interested in him. He is a handsome guy! It’s chemistry and connection that’s utterly lacking. Besides the first few years of dating - is it possible to come back? I don’t know if I guarded myself too well the last year and now can’t seem to put the guard down? We have small kids who adore us and he’s a good guy over all but. I’m not perfect nor do I claim to be but I’m worried how the hell to be attracted sexually again.

Anyone been in this type of situation?