Understanding the mind of the WPs
The behaviors of WPs may seem complex but I believe it's always the same core problems (selfishness, entitlement, huge ego, low-self esteem, emotional immaturity,...) with nuances to their extent and contributions to this all.
In my opinion, there are WP cake eaters who feel entitled to having it all. Because they are such a special snowflake with so much love to give who deserve to live their life to the fullest. Those who never intend to leave leir primary relationship and strung the desperate AP along with lies and goalpost moves. They know that the BP posses qualities that AP does not and that their life could be complicated, with them losing on quality of life.
And there are those WPs who are more emotionally stunted, avoidant and confused. Those are, in my opinion, those who are ready to drop everything and everyone for the "one true love." For the high highs and low lows because they are often prone to addictive behaviors in other instances of their life as well. APs attention brings just that, plus validation and admiration they crave so much because deep inside they feel like a pathetic shit. They lack insight, impulse control and empathy, because their attention is simply focused elsewehere. They have unmet needs or built resentment for years because in their core they are avoidant cowards who feer any conflict. They just smile and wave, acting like everything is picture perfect, Untill it isn't.
I would argue that the first example is a bit more machiavelian. They have their OPSECs, they plan, they get off by being oh so smart and strategic. They lie for their gain, their trickle truth, all with an intent to cover up and rug sweep. If no other choice, they are willing to do the pity parties, beg, swear, cry.... anything not to lose on their stable life they feel entitled to having. They shift blame to make it seem like they had no choice because the BP just didn't meet their needs or mistrated them. They use finances and kids to threaten BP and keep them from leaving. Or a therapy talk how they have no control over their actions because of some random psychiatric condition they self-diagnosed or actually have but they have no real intention to address. It's malicious and reeks of dark triad through and through. Of course, some are just "dumb" and are not really that smart or strategic to begin with, they just feel like they are. There are exceptions to all the situations.
The second group though, I'd argue is not so manipulative. They're the immature naive "dumb" ones. They lie, they deceive, they avoid and run - but not because they would intend to control or manipulate you, but because they're cowards who have been caught red handed or they truly belive the highs they're feeling is that once in a lifetime connection. Lying is their go to survival strategy. Reshaping the narrative, post-rationalizations, excuses, compartmentalization, lies, smoke and mirrors - those are applied. Let's just avoid ever mentioning all of this, let's just run away to have the fresh new start somewhere else and forget this whole ordeal. They cut off families and friends because they serve as reminders of their misdeeds. And the shame, oh the shame! The lengths they would go to rationalize and excuse their behaviors is insane. For them, the reality is whatever they feel it to be, so the constant narrative shifts make you dizzy while they never as much as recognize the contradictions. They loved you then, they don't love you now, or perhaps not for the last year or maybe they never loved you to begin with. Oh wait, it was just you making your advances when they were vulnerable all those years before. The problem is it's not "lies" to them since they believe everything they say, or at least I think they do. They're the victim who had no choice and has a right to be happy.
And while it could seem there could be some redeeming to the second group, as some like to portray them as "desperate souls who could not handle the guilt on their way to find true happiness." It's usually not the case. Maybe with some extensive therapy, maybe when they reach the rock bottom and have no other choice. But without that, they never "snap out"of this mindset and those behavioral tendencies will always be there. So if you're anxious that they found true love and ride into the sunset, this is in my opinion one of the core reasons they don't. It's the same cowarly, selfish avoider they were before. Only now they are probably more desperate to make it look like they indeed made the right choice and all worked for them just like they imagined. But with time, you can bet that they'd be avoiding, lying and gslighting again to avoid any sort of discomfort.
Of course, there are likely other "cathegories" I haven't mentioned before. Middle life-crises, FOMOs, etc. But usually they still same from the same core problems, with huge personal differences as to how the WP owns the situation and their actions. Rarely they do own shit though because most often than not it circles back to them being the closetted second group who just needed an additional push.
Why am I diving into all of this? I want to understand. I want oto hear your opinions. To make sense of what happened and why, to be able to predict future and to know when I'm being used, gaslit or what would happen if he ever came back to try R. At the same time I want to add that understanding their behavior is not the same as excusing it. There is no excuse for harming or even endangering the ones you promised to love and protect. All the more if it's done due to shit that was on you to own to and fix.