I made this account just to write this. I’ll probably delete it tomorrow. I’m drunk and feeling guilty, so just bear with me.
It started in my first semester when I came to Bangalore. I’ll admit I’ve always known I look decent, above average at least. There was this freshers party. I was hanging out with a friend, and his crush from our class came over to talk. He got her a drink and tried to flirt, but she shut him down. She was drunk, though, and kept looking at me.
I knew my friend liked her, but I still played along. I liked the attention, the thrill. One thing led to another, and that same night we ended up at her flat.
My friend had no idea. After that, it turned into something more. We started talking, hanging out, and eventually she proposed to me. I said yes. Three weeks later, it was over. It didn’t work out.
Then my friend found out we had been involved for a while. He was furious, not just because of what happened, but because I never told him. He said he would have stepped back if he knew. That was the end of our friendship.
In my second year, after classes got reshuffled, I met another girl. She was really pretty. I chased her for about a month before we got together. She had clear boundaries about intimacy, and I respected that.
One day, I was already in a bad mood and she kept pushing my buttons. It turned into an argument. We said brekup in the heat of the moment. It wasn’t even serious. We both knew it would’ve been fine the next day. But I told a friend we had broken up.
He took me out to a club in Koramangala to celebrate. I ended up hooking up with a girl there.
I didn’t know how to tell my girlfriend. Then things got worse. I saw that same girl in my DBMS lab. She was from our college, and the look on her face said she recognized me.
I called my girlfriend to meet me and told her everything. She slapped me in front of everyone in the library canteen. I deserved that. That was the real end of that relationship.
My old friend from first year heard about it and came just to mock me. He said I’d never be satisfied and that I’d pay for the way I treat people.
Looking back now, he wasn’t entirely wrong. I didn’t treat any of my girlfriends well. I don’t think I ever really loved them. I just liked the chase.
After that, people started distancing themselves from me. I got lonely. I started drinking more. I had a couple more hookups during the rest of second year, but nothing meant anything.
By third year, I had been alone for months. No real friends. Just drinking and wasting time.
Then during PhaseShift, I met her. She was a first year volunteering in our event. The moment I saw her, something felt different. I started texting her. She wasn’t easy at all. She would pull me close, then push me away.
But I couldn’t stop thinking about her. If she didn’t reply, I’d spam her. If she said something harsh, it would ruin my whole day. For the first time, I actually wanted to change. I stopped drinking. I tried to become better, for her.
I really thought I had a chance.
Today I finally told her how I felt.
She laughed.
She said she would never date someone like me. Said I act like a kid, that I need constant attention, that I’m annoying. She even said she used to hope I wouldn’t text her, but she tolerated me because I had connections and could help her get positions in clubs.
That broke something in me.
Now I’m sitting here, finishing my third bottle. Maybe the last one.
It feels like this is karma. Like I’m finally being treated the way I treated others. And maybe I deserve it.
I’ve never actually been in love before. This was the first time.
And it hurts more than I thought it ever could.
You are free to judge me, I just don't want to go down this path again.
The whole text is red and blue, I didn't write properly. I might use AI to remove spelling mistakes.