I was debating whether or not I should say this, but it has been on my mind for quite a while, and I do not really have anyone I can talk to about it without it affecting relationships or involving people connected to the situation. So I decided to come on here.
This all started over the summer, but I did not really notice it at first. For some background, I am not originally from the country I live in now. My family immigrated here when I was really young, including my extended family. Both sides of my family are big, but my dad’s side is huge, and many of them live in the same area as us. We basically grew up together. I saw them every single day. My cousins were my neighbors, and we were extremely close. There were even times I saw them more than my own parents.
Since my mom’s side of the family still lives in our home country, the only family she really has here is my dad’s side. Because of that, she became very close to them, especially with one of my aunts and her best friend. The three of them were always together.
Over the summer, I noticed I was not seeing my family as much, but I brushed it off because I was busy working and dealing with school. At the start of the school year, though, I realized my mom refused to talk about my aunt or visit my dad’s side of the family. I did not want to pry, so I left it alone.
Then my cousins, who I am very close with, started telling me that their parents were talking badly about me and my mom. For context, my sister and I are pretty different from the rest of the family. We are more outspoken, we wear makeup, we go out more, and our parents are not as strict or as religious. There has always been some level of disconnect, but it never affected our relationships this much before.
I started noticing small things, like my uncle making comments about my appearance. One time at a family function, he asked me why I was wearing so much makeup and who I was trying to impress. I tried to brush it off, but it did not stop. A lot of the comments were not even said to my face. They were said behind my back.
I do not hold anything against my cousins. I love them, and they have been honest with me about what has been said. They have told me that their parents talk badly about my family and have even discouraged them from being like me and my sister, calling us a bad influence. This really hurt, especially because I have never done anything wrong. I am a good student, I work hard, and I try to stay respectful. They just do not understand that I want to express myself, be social, and have a life outside of family expectations.
Over time, things got worse. My aunt started ignoring my mom, excluding her, and speaking badly about her behind her back while acting normal in front of us. If it were not for my cousins, I would not have known any of this.
Apparently, a lot of this conflict started because of issues between my parents, specifically about my mom working, and my dad’s side of the family getting involved and talking badly about it. But it has gone way too far. For over six months now, I have been criticized, judged, and humiliated. They have even tried to turn other family members against me.
The hardest part is that this is affecting my relationship with my cousins. Even though we are really close, I feel like I cannot talk freely with them because I am scared it will get back to their parents and cause problems for them.
At this point, I have made an internal decision to distance myself from that entire side of the family. I know that might seem unfair to my cousins, but I do not know how to maintain a relationship with them when their parents clearly dislike me. They are also still dependent on their parents and have strict rules, so it is not like we can interact freely.
My graduation is coming up, and I do not even want them there because I know they will judge everything I do. I know it is going to be a shit show when they are not invited to my graduation, but I genuinely cannot muster enough energy to care. I still love them. I know it sounds stupid, but these people were a big part of my life for so long. They were some of the few people I genuinely cared about and looked up to. The fact that they have been acting like this has really discouraged me, and it is honestly affecting my self-esteem. Sometimes I feel like maybe I am doing something wrong. I do not know. I am just really confused.
I am exhausted. This situation has been overwhelming, and it has even started to affect my grades. It is frustrating that a group of adults cannot handle things maturely and instead choose to target and criticize me.
I know I did not include every detail. This is six months of issues condensed into one explanation, but the situation has been really hurtful and draining.
Am I the asshole for not inviting them to my graduation and planning to cut them off, even though they are my close family?