Heartbreak
I just needed to put this out somewhere as I'm trying to grieve my feelings.
I miss you. I can't stop thinking of the memories we made, how we met and all our long ass messages. I miss holding your hand, kissing you and cuddling you, it was all I ever wanted. Every morning I woke up, you were the first thing in my mind and still are. I thought about you throughout the day and it feels like that will never stop. Good morning texts or any texts for that matter were something that helped me get through my day. I was always excited to make plans with you or when you asked to go out. Even as things were getting worse I still hold those times very preciously. I hope you saw and felt that I did my best for you because I cherish you. I wish I could help you get through your mental blockage as I have dreamed since the beginning of getting married to you and having a little "M" of our own. Your smile, your voice, your smell are all ingrained into me. I miss giving you back rubs combing my hands through your hair and just watching your face. The little forehead wrinkles your smile lines and that perfect little nose of yours. Even if you feel self conscious about your smile, I thought it was one of the most lovely things about you. And don't get me started on the insecurity with your hair. Even if you lose all your hair, I would love you forever, you are beyond handsome in my eyes. Your eyes and how much attraction they held for me. I hate that I want to be selfish and keep you to myself. I hate thinking that if one day you find someone else that you'll leave me completely, but I'll always respect your boundaries. I can honestly and confidently say that I love you M.B. You were the first boyfriend I had to ever actually want to get married and have kids. You were my everything and the future I wanted. There's so much more to be said but not enough words to even express how much I love you. It hurts me more than you know to see you go and watch our dreams fade. The ache in my heart the sleepless days, shortness of breath, anxiety, depression. It all hits at once and feels like I'm losing myself in an endless nightmare. I know I'll eventually find peace but just know that if one day you somehow decide in your heart that you can work things out. That you can find yourself falling for me again. Please come back to me.
You will always have a spot in my heart.