Hi, this is a throwaway account. As well, I don't think this is sexual assault, but rather sexual coercion. I'm unsure where to post this, so pardon!
I just want to see what others thoughts are on this. I've (f22) been in a relationship (23m) for a year now and a couple of months, and I very much love my partner, but am considering breaking things off even though there's potential (the thing is, I logically don't think that's enough reason to stay)
For some context, the issue we're having is that there have been two instances where he's done a sexual act solely for my pleasure, and has shut down when I don't reciprocate (this is not a common pattern, I do sexual things just for his pleasure alone willingly and happily, I just never promised anything in those instances). By shutting down, I mean he's gone eerily silent, and said "Well, I wanted to have fun too."
I communicated both times that this is an issue, in which he immediately understood his response was wrong. The first time it was harder to communicate because he himself was guilty for reacting that way, and the second time he claimed he reacted that way because he was insecure I didn't like him anymore.
To clarify, nothing sexual happened. I said no, and that was it. The next day however, I felt a little hypersexual, and I'm unsure if that's because I felt bad for the day prior, but to my memory, I was having fun and so was he.
For some more context: for the first 6 months of our relationship, we were not sexual. Afterwards, we were very active, it was very reciprocal on both ends. He's not the best with foreplay and aftercare, which I've communicated. After the second instance of him going silent, we were active for a month, until one day it physically hurt for me, I told him to stop & he immediately stopped. I got emotional, it felt like my body was rejecting him when it never used to. We were having other relationship issues, and I was thinking about those weird instances where it felt he was expecting something out of me, when I just wanted to be the one pleasured. For a month now we have not been active, and he's okay with it and understands.
I only realize now after speaking with my therapist that what he did was sexual coercion, and therefore sexual violence. And those words really scare me. Can I really be with someone who's done this to me? Even unintentionally, because the impact is there. I asked my therapist if I should stay in the relationship, and she said she can't answer, but I got the feeling that my answer was no. She mentioned that my decision should be based on my capacity of forgiveness.
Hes done some reflecting, and told me that since I had rarely rejected sex, he thinks he unintentionally viewed me as an object. He admitted himself that what he did was an act of sexual violence. For the last two weeks he's been doing extensive research on this stuff, and how his behavior was not appropriate. He's incredibly smart and supportive. All the other non-related issues I complained about he's now working on. Even before becoming official, he was the one educating me on feminist issues. I'm honestly impressed with how much work he's doing, and how he's working on other issues in the relationship (example: he's been more curious about my interests, which was a problem before)
As well, we had a conversation about how porn came into play, and that he had stopped watching it a while ago. I feel hurt he was watching it in the first place while in a relationship with me, but for some reason this doesn't hurt me as much.
I feel so strange for wanting to stay despite the coercion, and a little blind sided by his great qualities.
Thoughts?