I feel really stuck in life.
I haven’t been to school consistently since I was 11. The last times I went were Year 7 and Year 10, but both were only for a few months. Now I’m supposed to be in Year 12, I’ll be 18 at the end of this year, and I don’t know what to do or where to start.
Part of the reason I stopped going was because of COVID. The isolation really affected my social skills and I never got back into a normal routine after that.
My parents divorced when I was around 8, and that affected me a lot growing up. My dad is still around, but we barely talk or see each other. It’s usually only on special occasions like birthdays or Christmas, so I don’t really have a strong relationship with him.
I struggle to converse with people normally because of autism and ADHD, and I’ve been isolated for so long that I don’t have any real friends. I don’t really go outside, I have really low self-esteem, and I feel depressed most of the time, i have tried joining discord servers and talking there but i just get ignored all the time and I’m too scared to join voice chats because I’m awkward and have a glass fragile ego and fear of being judged.
I don’t have any real hobbies or interests either. I used to game but I barely even do that anymore. Most days I just lie in bed doing nothing because I feel so numb.
I also feel like I can’t properly express my thoughts into words, which just makes everything worse and makes me feel even more stuck.
I’ve never had a job, and my mum is living off my child support which will end in about 6 months when I turn 18. She doesn’t have a job either, so I genuinely don’t know what I’m going to do after that.
At this point I’m seriously questioning the purpose of being alive. I don’t feel like I’m living, I just feel like I’m existing. I feel like an alien trying to blend into society, forcing every interaction and never actually enjoying it.
I was also prescribed Lexapro 2 weeks ago but im still not sure whether i should take it or not, i’ve heard 50/50 stories about ssri’s either ruining or saving their life so i don’t know what the consensus is.
I don’t expect everything to be fixed immediately, but what is a realistic first step for someone in my position?