Growing up, I was really naive, too nice and tbh a bit of a coward when it came to putting myself out there. I grew up with only a mom and a sister so I never got the real male guidance on how to go about women and relationships in a realistic way. I let my fear of making a girl uncomfortable prevent me from putting myself out there and having intimate experiences until later than my peers.
When I moved out for university, I lost my virginity and started to grow out of those earlier traits. I realized women like a guy who is going to take a risk and make a move on them by using intuition rather than literally asking “wanna make out now?”. Obviously you still need signs, but not the literal ones that make it almost as if a girl has to beg to do something before you make a move. And I also understood the importance of looking for a bunch of signs and checking in with how she feels rather than expecting a clear flashing signal.
Deep down I’m still that kid who thought that if I just treat a girl right, pay for dinner, buy her gifts, and similar stuff, then I’ll find a girl who loves me like she’s never loved anyone else and I’ll have her all to myself. I actively push that part of me down.
One of my biggest fears was being the stereotypical “safe” and “nice guy” boyfriend with a girl who used to hookup or be with guys who didn’t treat her right and were toxic or manipulative, but SHE STILL STAYED WITH THEM. Maybe even missed some parts of them like sex or excitement. It would kill me to work so hard being perfect just to end up with a girl who gave the same thing to a guy who just existed.
Then I met a girl who came onto me first. Let’s call her Sarah. I didn’t did a single thing to chase her at all before we started hooking up. I loved the fact that she came onto me first.
After about a month of nights together with great sex, deep conversations, building a great connection, and agreeing to be exclusive, I knew that I wanted her to be my girlfriend. I was just waiting for the appropriate time and way to ask. Before I could even decide to do it, she got sick so I got her a small gift to bring her spirits up and make her feel better (No more than $20-40). She acted really weird about it and said it freaked her out because she thought it meant I was going to ask her the bf/gf question that week. From her point of view, she thought 1 month, regardless of how she felt about me, is too soon to get that serious. From my perspective, she was “freaked out” at the idea of being my girlfriend. Sarah doesn’t even like PDA and was uncomfortable with making out or being to handsy with each other at a party or club.
I realized what a wimp I’d look like if I let myself be strung along by a girl who doesn’t even like me enough to be my girlfriend. I felt like that naive kid again.
That week, I was at a party and a girl grabbed my shirt and started flirting with me really close. I started talking to her and we sensually felt each other up. We wanted to move away from the speaker to hear each other better when she held my hand to lead me away. I knew Sarah was at that same party and she stormed up to me before telling me things are over between us. I was so drunk that I wasn’t even fully registering the situation. Not that it matters considering how it looked, but was never gonna do anything with that girl like makeout or hookup. I never would have crossed that line without breaking things off with Sarah first, even though I shouldn’t have done what I did in the first place.
Sarah told me how embarrassing it was since all of our mutual friends and other students knew we were exclusive and many saw or heard what happened. She said we could be friends and I went along with it. I think it hurt her that I accepted being friends 2 days later without seeming distraught or emotional. Before the end of the week she was hitting me up for us to start having sex again. After a few months, she became my girlfriend. We have now been together for just over a year, if you count from the first time we hooked up.
I have spouts of being too nice again, in which case I need to check myself and tone it down. Recently I’ve been having money trouble so she would pay for my Uber or meals for us to hang out.
I know for a fact I’ve made her feel things during sex she had never felt or done before.
Recently it hit me, if I had met her or any girl and I found out their ex boyfriend “cheated” on her (she calls what I did cheating), she told him “I love you” first, she paid for him so that they could hangout or sleep together, that a big reason she stayed was because the sex was so good, AND THAT SHE STAYED WITH HIM FOR OVER A YEAR “putting up with that treatment”. I would feel like that chump nice guy who is working hard for the same affection a dude just living his life got before me and without having to work as hard for.
I feel terrible that I think about it this way and evaluating all that I’ve done but I’m not gonna lie, I’d MUCH rather be me than the hypothetical boyfriend after me. I also think both consciously and subconsciously, my behaviour and thinking was validated all the times she grew closer to me and each step when she wanted to progress our relationship. Kind of making me think that even when I feel like doubting the playbook, I remember it got me here with a girl who loves me. NOT SAYING THIS IS A GOOD WAY OF THINKING, but just reflecting on how that’s probably how I ended up here.
Thank you. I really needed to get that off my chest.
TLDR: I was always scared I’d be the nice guy wimp with a girlfriend who loved and put up with the not nice guy but I realized I’ve become the not nice guy a bit too much and it has been kinda successful.