One year anniversary
Today marks one year since i lost my baby at 20 weeks gestation due to pprom. I thought i would feel better as so much time has passed but this last week has been the toughest for me in the longest time. And now I know the grief stays. No matter how far we go, maybe the memory fades, but the feeling, the hollowness we have felt, the sense of falling into a pit, stays like a muscle memory. Like a bad dream whose details we forget but the eeriness lingers, making us uncomfortable as soon as we think about it.
Recently i read a quote and I totally agree with that “Grief, I've learned, is really just love. It's all the love you want to give, but cannot. All that unspent love gathers up in the corners of your eyes, the lump in your throat, and in that hollow part of your chest. Grief is just love with no place to go.”
I am not even ready to conceive again because of the thought of ‘ what of it happens again?’ I don’t know what to do next.
Maybe there isn’t a “next” , and maybe it’s okay to just sit with this love and this loss for as long as it needs. For now, I am just learning how to carry both the grief and the love together.
I don’t know!