Hi everyone,
It is very likely that by the end of May, I will have started my transition toward a female hormonal profile. I’m 27, and I’m doing this because I can no longer tolerate the adult masculinization of my body: male androgenic hair loss, beard growth, and increasingly widespread body hair. I tend to hide and feel disconnected from my body, so I mostly focus on what is visible. This has been a tension I’ve been living with for more than ten years, and arguably since childhood when it comes to hair loss and body hair. I’ve reached a point where I can’t take it anymore, so I am going to take this step.
I am someone who needs a lot of control, meaning I need to know where I am going. I also need that clarity because this will be difficult for my family, who are already facing major challenges: isolation, poverty, and various health issues.
Out of the three main concerns that have held me back so far, I feel I have come to terms with two of them.
The first is the permanent loss of fertility: my sperm has now been frozen.
The second is breast development being irreversible. Since I relate more to non-binarity, I would prefer not to acquire an additional gendered trait, another visible marker of gender. I hope the growth will remain minimal, and I plan to wear binders. In the worst case, and although it is a heavy option, there is still surgery.
The third is the loss of autonomous hormone production. This is the point that worries me the most. I don’t know what the future holds, but I do know that at some point I may have to return to the rural area where I grew up, as several members of my family are already or will become dependent on assistance, including my older brother who lives with schizophrenia. I need to stay functional and in good health. I don’t see my life as a smooth or stable path. Choosing to transition now already feels like a risk, and an additional burden for my family, and I don’t expect that to get easier.
My question is this: if I were to detransition, either by personal choice or due to necessity for survival (political context, etc.), what should I know about the recovery of autonomous hormone production? Are there studies on this, or is it mostly approximations and assumptions, such as the idea that after a certain number of months or years the body can no longer recover sufficient testosterone production, taking into account that natural male aging already reduces it over time? I am afraid of becoming permanently dependent on pharmacy-supplied testosterone gel after detransition. Yes, I am very fixated on control.
I need to do this for my present. I can’t stand losing my hair, isolating myself when I am not shaved. I am exhausted to feeling like the near future is a threat rather than a promise. I just want to move forward without sacrificing too much, including my life in good health expectancy and my ability to support my loved ones in the future.
Thanks all 🫶