So… cutting out alot of details, i was in a closed triad for about 2 years, my partner and I were not married to each other , but he was married and his wife and I later dated for a while. It was quite clear when we all agreed to be together, that we all were navigating uncharted territory and doing the best we could. She and I eventually broke up which lead to a volatile break up almost between all 3 of us. I am bisexual, and absolutely think about women, my partner and I have experienced some struggles in the year since the triad went completely sideways and I have become very closed off and am not in a space to want to practice polyamory right now which has made him give up almost all hope that I will ever feel safe enough to try again. I feel myself coming back around to it, but he is still currently married and that situation Im not involved in, i mean there are children , infrastructure all things to consider, and my ex girlfriend, I know , is poly or bi…. Which is partially why the triad didn’t work… I just don’t know how to feel comfortable with invitinganother partners in for us without the trauma of being scapegoated and seriously emotionally hurt by the experience of the triad and dating a woman officially for the first time with her. (I hd flings and fooled around in my past, but nothing as involved as with the triad) I feel like she ruined me and now I just feel ruined by all of it that I simply just want monogamy, at least for now.
I just have this almost desperate need to be heard and seen, Especially because of how i feel very erased, like my existence never happened and never mattered… when one partner completely vilified me while it appeared that other stood idly by… and now Im literally afraid of how conniving I think women are.
Am I an asshole? Crazy? The emotional toll has been devastating especially since my current partner, and I are trying to work through all this and come out on the the other side. I own my mistakes, but Im just still reeling from how my ex girlfriend treated me, especially at the very end. Any advice on how to really let this go effectively?