It makes no sense
Hello everyone. I just wanted some feedback because I am genuinely confused and do not know what I should do.
I am a 21-year-old male, and I have sometimes been anxious in relationships. I was dating a 21-year-old female who I believe may be fearful avoidant. My intention with her was serious; I was dating to marry.
We met while working at a call center. At the time, both of us were involved with different people. Before the person she was dating then, she had been engaged to someone else. That ex-fiancé made her feel very wanted, but he lied to her and her family about having a house. Eventually, when her family told her to end the engagement because it was clearly not going anywhere, he did not fight for her. He simply took his things and left.
Over time, we became closer and closer over about nine months. Eventually, she accidentally told me that she loved me. After that, we started dating.
We dated for around four months. During the relationship, she gave me a deadline of two years to become financially stable so that I could officially propose to her. At first, things were good, but then we started facing problems.
First, we both lost our jobs. She was fired unfairly, and I left immediately after that. Around the same period, she went on a five-day college trip to Luxor. During that trip, I was emotionally unstable with her because, for some reason, I kept thinking about how badly my ex had hurt me. Even though I was unstable, she still tried to be there for me emotionally.
After the trip, we joined another company together. However, one day later, her strict brother found out about us. He scolded her, and she called me to end things. The timing was painful because I was buying her a teddy bear for Valentine’s Day when she called me. I gave her space for the day because I thought I would see her at work the next day.
But the next day, she did not come to work. I texted her asking why, and she told me she had quit. I also quit because I had only taken that job to be with her, and at the time I had a lot of savings.
After that, she started becoming emotionally numb. She was no longer putting in effort. When I called her out on it, she told me she did not want to continue. I suggested that we take a break, and I told her that if she still felt the same after the break, we could end things. She agreed.
The next day, she called me and said she wanted to meet. We met at a nearby coffee shop. She asked me what my plans were for her, especially because she was worried about my financial situation. I have a sister who is getting married, and I am considered the financial backbone of my family, so she felt that there was too much pressure on me.
During that breakup conversation, she also said that she had stopped having feelings for me. She said she had felt that way since the Luxor trip and that she had been trying her best to feel something again, but she could not.
I tried to fight for the relationship, but eventually I told her, “Okay, I do not want to lose you. Can we at least be friends?” At first, she was very hesitant and said we could not be friends, but eventually she agreed.
When we were leaving the coffee shop, she broke down crying and said, “I am sorry I let you down. Forgive me.” I told her there was nothing to forgive, and I wiped her tears with my hand. Then I walked her home, and she held my hand the whole way.
On the way home, we stopped and talked every now and then. She told me to delete our memories together. I told her, “If you want to do this, you do it,” and I gave her my phone. She said she could not do it and started crying again. I told her it was fine. Then I started crying too, and she wiped my tears with her hand.
When we reached her apartment door, she hugged me. I told her, “I love you,” and she said, “I love you” back. After she went upstairs, I sent her a message saying, “I am here whenever you need me.” She replied, “Thank you for being here.”
I did not text her for a day. Then I managed to get both of us a job interview, so we went together. During the interview day, we became very close again. When I walked her home afterward, I told her she looked cute, and she smiled and said, “We’re friends.” Then she invited me upstairs to meet her grandmother because I had previously told her I could not wait to meet her.
That day, we texted normally. She was caring and asked what I was doing and where I was. Later that evening, around 7 PM, we had a deep conversation. I told her how much I loved her, and she said she loved me so much and that I meant everything to her. It felt like we were back in the relationship again.
For about two weeks, things felt very good, almost like the relationship was back. But then her care started to decrease again. I noticed it and gave her space. She came back with some effort, but then it decreased again.
After that, there was about a week where she kept reposting sad things about battling her inner thoughts. During that week, her messages became very dry, like “I’m doing this” or “I’m going to bed.” I reminded her again that I was there for her. She then opened up and told me that she was scared of the past repeating itself.
She asked me to stop dating her until I was ready. I told her that if she wanted, we could go back to being friends so she would not feel pressured. We did that, and again things became better for a while, although not as intense as before.
For the next few weeks, while we were “friends,” her behavior was inconsistent. Sometimes she would text, and sometimes she would not. Sometimes she would bring up marriage and ask when I was going to propose.
About a week ago, something happened that forced me to give all my money to my sister. Around the same time, I was also laid off. When she asked me how far I was with the apartment, I told her honestly that I was currently broke. I did not want to tell her, but I also did not want to lie like her ex-fiancé had done.
She got upset, which I understand. She said, “I am going to choose myself,” and told me that when I am ready to propose, I should come.
I respected her wishes for three days. Then I texted her asking how she was. She replied that she was good, and we got back into a conversation. I told her that I had not known whether to text her or not, and she said, “You’re making a big deal out of nothing.”
I asked her if she was sure, and then we ended up confronting the financial issue again. After that, I went to my father, whom I had not spoken to in two years, and asked him for financial help. He agreed. I told her about it, but she felt that I was getting my hopes up over someone who had been absent for most of my life.
I told her I was going to meet him and discuss a timeline. I did meet him, and afterward I came back to tell her about the timeline. However, she seemed uninterested. I snapped and asked her why she was treating me this way. She said she was not treating me in any specific way and that she was just busy.
A day or two before this, we had been talking as if we were dating again. She even got upset when I did not reply for an hour. She asked, “Where were you?” and then said, “You know what, I don’t care.” I had also told her that I wanted to get us a dog for our future house, and she replied with a neutral face sticker.
Later, she said she was going to bed. I asked her if she did not want to talk, and she said, “No, I’m going to bed. Good night.” But later, I found out that she had not actually gone to bed. Her mother told me that she went to her and cried about not having solid ground and not knowing what she was feeling. Her mother told her to wait and see what happens with my father after the meeting.
After I confronted her about the way she was treating me, she said she could not continue like this and that she was constantly fighting herself. I told her that I did not want her to break up with me over text and that I needed closure too. She said she could not do it and that meeting would not make a difference.
I then told her to give the teddy bear she sleeps next to every day, the one with my perfume on it, to her mother. She said she would. Later, her mother told me that when she tried to take the bear, my ex said, “No, it will get dirty like this.” She then wrapped the bear in a plastic bag and put it in her closet.
It has now been four days since that happened. Yesterday, I sent her a message saying, “I am here if you ever need to talk. I know how you feel, and I will never judge you for it.”
She replied, “I am doing good, thank God. Thank you for asking.”
Now I am genuinely confused. Her words say one thing, but many of her actions seem to show that she still has feelings or is struggling internally. I do not know whether I should keep giving her space, keep trying, or accept that it is over.