I 37F have been with my partner 34M for almost 5 years. I learned of his addiction a year and a few months into our relationship. Up until that point he had been incredible - kind, understanding, warm, helpful, communication A+, literally everything was great.
I used to be a very open person when it came to intimacy. In the beginning of our relationship any time I tried to showcase my openness with certain (ethical) sites, he very truly didn't seem into it - and expressed that he'd rather focus on us - so that's what I did. Ta-ta, bye-bye. No problem.
...The day (October 2022) I found it all still plays in my mind like it was yesterday... (and I actually hadn't found it all yet). One stupid email. "You have a message from..."
I called him and asked what it was. He said "it was from back when he was single and couldn't be bothered to delete the profile". And then proceeded to beg me to not look at it. Threw lots of reasons at me as to why not.
*Spidey Sense*
Pictures used in his profile that he had "only" sent to me... took a very vulnerable conversation we had together about his sexuality (I am pansexual and he thought he might be, so, naturally because I love him, I was encouraging) and used it as a way to attract others... messages... pictures sent and received in said messages... seeking out local people... the whole shabang.
We fought. He denied. I couldn't sleep in my bed for weeks because some of the pictures were of him in our bed. He swore that was it. I checked a few days later. And, man, was it n.o.t.
Even if I could list them, I wouldn't, because it was literally all of them. Paid, free, cheap, expensive. Every social media platform (that I KNEW about) was used for something or the other.
I went through and deleted every profile I could think of. Yes. Me. Because he kept stalling. Snapchat was a major problem (contacting locals to meet up - claims he did it for the rush, never followed through...) plus the obvious. So, had him delete that. Facebook was deleted also. Instagram was kept for family and friends purposes (he's far away from home), but, other than that - he agreed to not have any other apps that could connect him to certain people. We also both agreed that we both have full access to each others phones, passwords, emails, etc.
Weeks went by, we made it through Christmas and New Years with my kids - they went back to their dads for a week. I crashed, went to the hospital for dehydration, he couldn't even stay with me after he dropped me off - "I guess you'll blame me for this, too." He said.
The next morning, 20 minutes after he left for work, I get a ding from Telegram (I downloaded all the apps and had my contacts connected just in case). He had "just joined". Huh. Checked his email. Oh hey, a message from a dating app I was told was fully deleted (profile, not just app).
Come to find out that profile was never deleted - only UPDATED recently.
More fighting, every excuse, intense gaslighting... I asked him to leave the next day.
He came back with a plan.
I had not ever dealt with this. I was honestly ignorant to the notion of PA. He seemed so sure that he could quit.
It's been almost 4 years now. The dating apps and the need to communicate with others has completely disappeared. Through the first 2 years post "everything happening" I found remnants of other things he had accessed from the "before times" which sucked. The slip ups were super frequent and so hard to handle. In the third and - almost - 4th year, the slip ups are monthly, sometimes reaching 6 weeks.
I have not been great at remaining calm when slip ups happen. The slip ups are only known about because I found them - despite my attempts at transparency boundaires - "come to me first", "text me if I'm not home", "tell me so I don't have to find out on my own"... he'll do the first 2 a few times (i always respond positively to those because yay!) and then slip. He has never once tried to tell me about a slip up.
I cannot for the life of me figure out what triggers him. We'll be active as possible- slip. Inactive because I can't bring myself to - slip. Happy - slip. Sad - slip. Crying - slip. Begging - slip. Open to anything - slip.
I figured out that when we have a big fight that I'm left confused about... it's usually because he's slipped.
In these last couple of months I've found a fully separate secret insta accout for following and viewing... I deleted it.
Today i figured out he's using his alternate insta account that he made to post video essay projects to seek out videos.
I am so tired. I am exhaused. I can't follow him around all hours of the day. I'm too scared to leave the house when he's home so I only go to work and come home (unless the kids are with us for the week, then I pretend like leaving the house doesn't make me want to throw up).
Recently he has "lovingly" joked about my "detective skills". "Nothing gets passed you". Come to find out he's actively slipped.
I feel like he wants to quit. I do know what he struggles with mentally and physically. Which is why he has this addiction in the first place.
I feel like I've tried to be supportive all these years (not perfectly, I'm only human)... but my patience is realllllly depleting. So many false promises. I try so hard to trust his word. How do I remain calm tonight when I see him? What do I say? What do I do? Therapy is so expensive here and we don't make a lot. How can I feel safe? I love him, but it hurts so much. I just want to fall apart.
Please. Help us. Any suggestions.
Sorry for the novel. ❤️