Stuck in verbally abusive relationship, have new baby and feel like I cannot leave
Have tried starting this post multiple times but I keep deleting because I feel like "whats the point." It also feels hard to summarize what I'm going through without writing pages and pages of background, because how do I sum up the past years of verbal and emotional abuse and my entire 9 year relationship in a way that people will understand what I'm going through. But here it goes.
My husband (same-sex male couple) is deeply unwell and has subjected me to years of mistreatment. I have always known he had a short temper and anger issues, which combined with his obsessiveness and anxiety causes him to yell and freak out over what in my view are minor inconveniences. I really try to empathize and validate his feelings, but its tough when he becomes so difficult and angry when the simplest things don't go according to his expectations or an unexpected decision needs to be made (need to call about an incorrect bill, last minute changes in plans, unexpected housework needing to be done, need to buy something for house and obsessing over the "perfect" thing to get). I try my best to limit stresses and help, but I'm not perfect and because everyday life things don't stress me as much, I sometimes procrastinate in resolving tasks which gets him angry. I loved him and cared about him and so tried to make it work and tried to be better but it never seemed good enough. It felt like he would only be satisfied if we were doing errands 24/7 and constantly worrying/anticipating everything that might go wrong in the house so that there was "nothing" to do. But thats not how adult life works -there is always something on the to-do list. Despite all this for years it mostly worked.
But Its gotten worse the last couple years as he lost his job, has been unemployed for a long time, and he struggled with becoming the stay at home parent when our son was born (just a few months ago). I told him he could keep looking for work, but after 2 years of not finding a job, he basically gave up and decided he would just be a dad for a while while I work, but its obvious he is not happy about the choice. when the baby is difficult during the day, he gets mad at me for having it "easy" because baby generally is better in the evening (I work from home, and if the baby cries during the day he will settle the baby then come yell at me, saying he (my husband) is miserable and hates his life and i'm doing noting to make it better). I offer to help, offer to get a nanny some days to relieve stress, or if I'm not busy on a particular day when baby is difficult I will say "I can take this one," but he always refuses and says I either need to just work or quit my job.
And so now there is baby stress on top of him still getting mad over every minor task or chore or errand that doesn't go the way he expects. If I procrastinate, if I don't do something the "right" way (like I don't talk to customer service/billing people the way he would, or clean up the way he would), if I forget something he has told me or asked me to do, no matter how big or small, he loses control, yells and tells me I'm useless, a bad partner, a bad husband etc. just the other day he yelled at me for forgetting to pre cut lettuce for lunch the night before - I know it wasn’t really about the lettuce, but that was a trigger and he went off on me about “not even remembering to do the simply things to make it easier”.
When things are really bad, he will go into a kind of trance just repeating "I hate you" over and over again, refusing to listen to me or stop. If I try to leave the room or put in headphones, he will follow me or just get louder. It has gotten so bad that sometimes he will yell while I'm holding the baby trying to feed him (making the baby cry). We fight a lot over having different ideas of what to do with the baby like his schedule/bedtime etc. He says I'm wrong about everything, and since he is the stay at home parent my opinion doesn't matter and we have to do his way "first" before trying my way, and he yells at me and says i'm a "selfish prick" for not just always doing things his way. Then after fighting if the next day I say “ok lm sorry let’s do it your way today” he says no it’s too late I missed my chance.
It’s about as bad as it’s ever been. He is not physical currently, though he has been in the past before the baby came (slapped me a few times during fights). We also struggled one time when he was threatening to take the baby and leave and I tried to just hold him and stop. But it’s the verbal abuse thats the worst. He will say the cruelest things - talk about how I have no friends, insult my appearence, say my family hates me. At one fight he said the baby doesn't like me as much as him and I'm not the real father like him. He has said other cruel things - during the pregnancy he often said I would be a bad father and he threatend to blow up the process by not signing paperwork or said that I would be a bad father.
I have told him a number of times if I'm so terrible he should leave. We can divorce and figure out custody. To that he has responded "I'm just waiting for you to kill yourself (I have struggled with depression in the past and suicidal thoughts and told him as much).
So it’s terrible, and the above doesn’t even cover all the controlling and abusive stuff he has done (thrown out my dinner, taken my phone just to name a few). If we didn't have a child I would be gone no question and all I can think about is how knew he was this way before we decided to have a baby and I was so stupid for thinking he could be better. And now we have a baby and he is the same if not worse. But now because of the baby I feel like I cannot leave. And I know I should file for divorce - but he is so angry and cruel and vindictive and has told me he will fight like crazy in a divorce and make me look terrible and basically ruin my life by sharing everything I have ever confided in him. Also has said he will fight custody and ensure my child grows up to hate me.
So I feel stuck. I know the answer but just cannot bring myself to do it or put my baby through it. I cannot leave my baby here - it’s not like I think my husband would harm him but I can’t imagine being apart. And I can’t bring him because I doubt I would succeed in getting full custody. I’m at a loss.