u/FailLong3180

I was gonna write 'anger comes out of nowhere', but actually it comes from everywhere. Anything and everything irritates me.

All my life, I was the compliant, smiling, mute person who made everyone else comfortable.

I gave my everything to the education system, trying to ace whatever I was given indiscriminately and tied my identity to that.

Now at 30, all I have is total isolation, alienation, and cynicism. I had thought that by being a good person, everything would work smoothly. But no.

I got mutism, can't talk and because of cptsd and ocd, I can barely attend even classes anymore. So, the only thing I had based my identity on, is gone too.

Being a good person got me exploited at work, abused by parents, overlooked and used by friends.

I feel such general rage and resentment at everyone who had smooth lives. This may sound mean-hearter, but I don't care. Why do I have to suffer and be invalidated?

All the people who smirked at me condescendingly can fuck off to hell.

I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING.

Can someone be both vegan and nihilist?

Cause I am at this point where I started to view every kind of social script and every societal construction as utterly fake, arbitrary, and meaningless. All I see is things getting repeated on a loop, aka, samsara.

This might also be my burnout speaking, but I started to view this existence as akin to a kind of loopy simulation.

Regarding veganism, I have been vegan for over 4 years since mid-twenties, and I feel like this is perhaps the only path where I am making some external impact, having agency, and decreasing overall suffering. But I am unsure how this staunch perspective can combine with nihilism.

Edit: If I think that decreasing suffering is an objective thing–since sentient beings have nervous systems,–and it matters, does that mean I am not a nihilist?