Bad day, but I can get through this
Not the traditional rant/vent, but definitely has a lot of my personal life problems that deal with many triggering topics. I can’t post this kind of thing on my Tumblr, and I wouldn’t really want to do that to my mutuals anyways, so I came here. Trigger warnings for mentions of suicide and self-harm.
First I want to just talk about how important I think this subreddit is. It has terrible things in it, things that hurt to look at and things that make spirals worse if you look at it while in a bad place. But when I was in a really bad place, it helped me to get resources and understand myself, and later, my sister. Having a place to go in crisis helps, truly, it does. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this stuff yet, and part of that is my own fault, but still, this place is a nice alternative.
Now, to my situation, I guess. My bad day. My sister has Borderline Personality Disorder, Autism, and other disorders. She’s been in a really bad place for a really long time. And lately, in the aftermath of two suicide attempts, things have been especially bad. Today, she lost some friends. It’s a long story, and it’s not truly anyone’s fault. They’re young and in bad places themselves, and they can’t handle the way that being her friend impacts them. She needs support that they can’t give, and it hurts her when they can’t give it. I suffer from eternally seeing all sides, which I do like about myself, but it can make things difficult sometimes. Off topic slightly, that’s the ADHD, sorry. Anyways, her day was bad. She cried a lot more than she ever has, just horrific sobbing, so utterly terrible to hear.
I’m 11 weeks clean, a little over 2 months. I truly thought I was going to cut today. Listening to her crying, knowing there was nothing I knew how to say to make any of it better, I felt like I needed to. For me, cutting is tied to my OCD. Self-harm in general isn’t always, but the cutting is. It’s difficult to put it all into words, so I guess I’ll leave my reasoning today vague/up to interpretation, I’m sorry for that. But the point is that I wanted to cut, and I thought I was going to. I was more sure than I have been in a long time.
But I didn’t. I don’t know how. I don’t know why. Maybe it’s because I keep convincing myself not to by reminding myself of the inconvenience of forced long sleeves in the heat of where I live, maybe it’s because I knew that my mom didn’t need to worry about two of her children self-harming, but I managed today.
The night got worse, much, much worse, but it only made me want to cut less. Now, sitting here on the floor, typing this out, is my way of coping with what is going on right outside my door. It’s hard, but typing this helps. I describe myself as thoughtful, and thinking things through in an organized way helps me deal with things, so that’s what this post is. It calmed me a lot, so it turned out significantly less venty than I expected. My mom is in the room now, she has been for nearly this entire paragraph actually, so my focus is shifting away from writing this now. I guess I’ll leave you with this (anyone who actually read this. I understand that most people won’t, because I rarely ever read things on here for my own health’s sake, but. If you do):
I’m going to be okay. I didn’t cut myself tonight. I won’t cut myself tomorrow. And right now, that’s enough. I have things to look forward to. My night is slowly calming down. My family is safe, something I wasn’t sure about 15 minutes ago, and everything is going to be okay. You can do this. We can do this. You matter, just like I do. Especially when it feels like you don’t. If my sister somehow sees this, even though she won’t know it’s me, or maybe she will, I don’t know, I want to say I love you. Stay. Be here. You can do this.
Love to you all, no matter what ❤️